Hollywood: Still Not Enough Awards to Go Around

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Hollywood is struggling to ensure all movies, TV shows and actors are properly recognized.
Hollywood is struggling to ensure all movies, TV shows and actors are properly recognized.

LOS ANGELES, CA – As the Oscar’s approach, a typically jubilant time for Hollywood is overshadowed by a concern around in the TV and movie industry that the level of self gratification is no longer appropriate and may even be pathetic.

As more movies are released and more TV shows debuted, Hollywood is struggling to keep up and ensure that every movie and TV show receives recognition and at least one award.

“Right now there are literally 50 or so films that go without receiving a single award every year. That’s just wrong. Wrong!” said Alan Horn, President of Warner Bros. Entertainment. “What kind of world do we live in where films like ‘The Losers’ don’t receive a single bit of recognition for being a film? There are a lot of important people that work on these films and they all deserve some sort of award. Of course I’m just talking about the stars, writers, producers and studio heads – not the other people. Rewarding everyone would be ridiculous and a stupid idea. But rewarding the important people is a must. How else will they feel loved and appreciated? The obscene amount of money they receive can only go so far.”

While Hollywood struggles to come up with a solution, some insiders point to the fact that movies, and the people associated with them, are allowed to win multiple times thus causing a shortage in the amount of available awards.

“I really think that a movie should only win one award,” said Ron Meyer, President of Universal Studios. “I mean, come on! That god damned ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ won eight awards a couple years ago. That’s seven movies that didn’t get shit because we gave that stupid move about people in Africa or whatever eight awards. ‘Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins’ didn’t win anything. Explain to me how that’s fair.’”

Currently there are more than 20 award shows that allow Hollywood to give itself awards including The Academy Awards, The Golden Globes, The S.A.G. Awards, The People’s Choice Awards, The Teen Choice Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the D.G.A. Awards, and the P.G.A. Awards.

“Can there ever be too many awards shows? I submit for your approval that there cannot,” said Tom Sherak, President of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Science. “Think about it like this. There are many, many events in the Special Olympics and each participant gets an award at the end. Hollywood should be just like that. Everyone who enters should get a prize otherwise someone will eventually cry. We don’t want that to happen. That’s just plain sad. When you think about it, a lot of Hollywood people are a lot like the contestant of the Special Olympics. Well, that’s not really fair. The people in the Special Olympics are actually talented and function on a much higher level than anyone in Hollywood.”

With so few options, Hollywood is looking to add at least 30 more award shows to cover all the movies and TV shows released in a year.

“One thing we had considered is adding categories to the Oscars, but we realized that the show would last about 12 hours longer than it does now,” said President of the Motion Picture Arts Academy Richard Clausen. “We couldn’t ask that of our actor friends. They’ve got stuff to do, hookers to bang. We couldn’t keep them off the streets for 29 hours. TMZ would have our heads. So we are just looking at expanding the awards season and adding a number of awards shows to make sure we give everyone an award. This year we will debut the ‘Extra Awards’ which will focus on outstanding achievements in being on a TV or movie screen and the ‘For the Hell of It’ awards that will give out awards to everyone who shows up to the ceremony.”

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