LOS ANGELES, CA– A recent encounter between a lonely housewife and pool guy ended awkwardly with very little sexual tension and no intercourse.
“The world is a different place now I guess. I mean, we have a black president,” said lonely housewife Chesty LaRue. “I was out back laying by the pool, totally nude of course because no one wants tan lines, when (Dirk Throbb) came around to clean the pool but I just didn’t feel anything. I know I am supposed to seduce him and bang his brains out but… I don’t know. I just couldn’t be bothered. I just didn’t feel like dealing with it.”
Like most of the country, it is customary in Los Angeles for lonely housewives to seduce the men their husbands have hired to clean the pool.
“This kind of situation, while occurring every so often, is still really atypical,” said University of Southern California professor of sociology Max Steeleshaft. “There are certain cultural and sociological norms that we all abide by and one of those is that pool guys have sex with lonely housewives. For this to not occur probably says something about the roles of each of these people in archetypes will play in society as we continue. What I mean by that is if a pool guy and a housewife can’t get it together then where the hell does that leave us and what’s next? The babysitter and the cool, handsome, single father? Fortunately for me the old, wise professor and young, impressionable coed construct still holds true. Very true. Gimmie five!”
According to a study conducted by Steeleshaft at USC, only one in 100,000 encounters between a pool guy and a lonely housewife fail to end in sex.
“In my 30 years of living in LA, I’ve done so many pool guys that I can’t even keep track anymore,” said LaRue. “But today, I just didn’t feel like it. I mean I could have sucked him off, but still, even that didn’t appeal to me. I don’t know, maybe I’m just losing my sex drive. Can that happen to a 35 year old? God I hope not because I really love sex with young, tan, exotic looking pool guys with long… skimmers. Well I usually love it, just not today. Oh, I wonder if I’m turning lesbian. Maybe I should have the pool company send over a tight young minx with perky tits to clean the pool. Maybe that’ll get me back into the swing of things.”
The encounter has left pool guy Dirk Throbb concerned that a trend may develop.
“I don’t even want to think about what this means for my future,” said Throbb. “I mean the sex is the only reason I became a ‘pool boy.’ I’ve got a Master’s degree in chemistry. How much pussy do you think I got from that? Well, actually a lot, but that’s not the point. With this pool gig I bag a lonely housewife every single day. Sometimes, I bang two or three. It’s amazing. I’ve done things this past year that I’ve only read about. Again, all I can say is that it’s amazing. But now, I don’t know what this means. I hope this doesn’t mean this is the end of an era. Christ, I can’t even imagine not cleaning pools and not banging housewives. I might have to bite the bullet and go back to being the nerdy scientist who works for a company developing a really powerful pheromone that turns nerdy but attractive scientists into sex crazy wild women.”
As news of the encounter between Throbb and LaRue spread across the local communities, many housewives are hoping they don’t experience a similar situation.
“Oh. My. God. What if that happened to me?” said housewife Syndee Spanx. “I need to be banged everyday or I’ll just shrivel up and die. Not only that but I need it from different dudes every day. That’s why I order so many things on Amazon and why I eat so much pizza. What if I stop wanting sex from any of those guys? Sex with total strangers is the only thing that gets me through the day! I need it. Deep within me. All the time. Sometimes I need two at a time so I order two pizzas from different places and have them delivered at the same time. Three even. I need to be totally plugged up. Airtight. Um, I need to go now. Do you know anything about pools? Well… just come with me anyways but leave your pants here. Bring the notebook though.”