AUSTIN, TX – A solution to concerns over redistricting and illegal immigration is being proposed by Texas lawmakers to address a recent slew of lawsuits surrounding the 2010 census. The solution will allow for undocumented citizens to count as three fifths of a person.
While several human rights groups say that each and every person should be accounted for and represented, the group American Crossroads is proposing the compromise stating they feel will assuage everyone’s concerns in the matter and is a solution rooted in the founding father’s own world view.
“The founding fathers’ had a solution for counting people to fairly distribute representation and I feel that we can successfully mimic their actions,” said American Crossroads representative Phil McDonald. “When faced with those less worthy than citizens, rather than toss them all out of the count, they came up with a negotiated proportion. Three fifths of all other persons. A compromise that helped found this country can help move it into the twenty-first century.”
Texas Tea Party Activists have sued the Federal Government over the inclusion of undocumented immigrants in census counts used to reallocate representation at the local, state and federal level. Similar lawsuits are being drafted in Kentucky, Montana and Utah – all of which are states that expect to see their total number of representatives decrease as a result of new census data from 2010.
Activists claim that the inclusion of immigrants, or “the ships to which anchor babies are chained,” skews the counts and prevents fair apportionment of members of congress and the electoral college.
“The census asks whether you are a God-fearing European descendant or an Atheist, Jew, or Catholic but it doesn’t ask if you’re a legal citizen! To base the strength of the great state of Texas’ representation on this flawed count is preposterous!” said Menard County Tea Party chair Rayce Gillman. “Dag nabit, it is a high falutin’ catastrophe I tell ya what! The baseline for counts should be people eligible to vote. And vote on Christian principles and no taxes.”
Other Conservative voters agree.
“Voter eligibility and that is it,” said “Big Bob” Hogart, a self-identified tea party champion out of Emmet, Idaho. “There is no other fair baseline. Oh, and the children of eligible voters. And felons, cause they should be able to vote for representatives that will reinstate their gun rights. But no one else. Otherwise California will just rule us all for the rest of eternity even after all the whites leave in 2013.”
Although counting citizens as worth less than a full person, McDonald says the method which was applied to African Americans in the 1800s is a solution that can make both the Tea Party and “stupid, uppity Liberals” happy.
“Of course we cannot compare illegal aliens directly to slaves. That would be racist,” continues McDonald. “And we know that three fifths may not be the right fraction of a person for the Mexi… illegal aliens. We are willing to renegotiate. Who knows, maybe in 2011 an illegal alien is really only 1/3 of a person, or 1/5. We plan on working with the State Senate and the courts to get the right fraction.”
Opponents declare concerns about the census and full count of all citizens as ridiculous and fear mongering.
“The census data is used to determine how many schools and prisons an area needs,” said New Mexico Senator Tom Udall. “It is used to allocate transportation funding and poverty statistics. These are not statistics that only include citizens over the age of 18. And besides, it is clear what the founders intended. The census is the tool for deciding representation, and the census counts everyone.”
The Texas State Senate will be reviewing the plan proposed by American Crossroads next month.