MOGADISHU, SOMALIA – The recent hijacking of a ship containing 23 goats, three Michael Jackson look-a-likes, seven boxes of carrots, 14 canisters of soy milk, 107 boxes of “Dancing With The Stars; Season 1” DVDs and a British couple has caused an international incident.

An American tourist, visiting the area for some reason, witnessed the hijacking.

“So I was just sitting there and all of a sudden I hear all this screaming and noises,” said Chris Ray. “Then there was all these things happening, man, I don’t even know what was going on. There were all these boats and shit and guys shooting guns into the air. I think one of the goats was actually blown up. I wonder what they are gonna do with the goats. I guess they could eat them. And the pirates… it looked like they are forcing the British couple to go under the deck with them. It was like that movie. You know, the one with that lady. The chick from the football movie. Man, what’s her name? You know, the one where the retarded kid becomes the super star player. ‘Invincible.’ Yeah, the chick in that. There was that one movie where she got all naked and was all sexy and then she did some other stuff. That was a good movie. I can tell you though, it’s not a movie that you want to go see with your parents. Boy, was that embarrassing. Not as embarrassing as seeing ‘There’s Something About Mary’ with your parents. Holy shit did that suck. I mean, you want to laugh, but you don’t want to admit that you know how to masturbate. Yeah, that sucked. But movies are pretty cool. I’m really looking forward to seeing ‘Thor’ and ‘Captain America.’ Yeah, I’m a huge dork, but I think even if I wasn’t, I would still want to see these movies. I think my girlfriend even wants to see them and that tells you something. Hey, I gotta tell you this story, man, you are not going to believe this. This one time me and my girl were out to dinner and this dude comes up and starts hitting on us. Not just her, he was hitting on both of us. He totally wanted to hook up a three-way. The thing is, my girl seemed to be interested. I mean, I don’t want to share her with some other dude, but if we’re talking about another lady, then we can talk. You know what I mean? But yeah, the pirate shit was crazy ‘cus after awhile the French military boat showed up and demanded that the DVDs be turned over to them and then some (U.S.) Navy Seals showed up and one of them wigged out and shot one of the pirates who was actually an undercover Somalian police man. Shit was crazy! Then like a couple hours later a guy in a tuxedo snuck on to the boat, freed the hostages and then got into a speedboat race with on of the pirates and the Navy Seals.”

Another American, who was also in the area for some reason, contradicts the account by Ray.

“I was on a boat across from the boat that the pirates captured and I saw the whole thing,” said Walter Schiner. “And I can tell you that it wasn’t a goat that blew up, it was one of the Michael Jackson look-a-likes. The pirates really hated those guys for some reason. When they stormed the boat (the pirates) were all firing their guns in the air like this – boom, choo, choo, boom, bloosh, choo, choo, booooooom! And then one of the goats rammed one of the pirates and the pirate was going to shoot the goat but he didn’t because one of the other pirates stopped him. Then they took the British couple below the deck and who knows what happened to them. At some point a bunch of Russians showed up and started blasting the pirates with some kinda of ray that made (the pirate’s) heads melt. But then, just when I thought the whole thing was over a bunch of guys, I think they were Israeli, parachuted onto the ship to fight the Russians and take all the DVDs and shit. I swear to god though I think one of the Israelis, a Russian and a Pirate had this weird fencing match on the top deck of the boat. It was kinda like watching that movie ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ but not really. I only mean that because the whole thing was kind like this weird acid trip that I had in college. I watched ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ on acid once. That shit was crazy. I was sure that my buddy was actually going to turn into a skeleton guy if I turned off the lights so I left the lights on all night. He was a weird dude though. My buddy, I mean. He once got really drunk at a party and took off all his clothes then climbed on a chain link fence in the backyard. He was just hanging on to the fence and shaking it while making Chewbacca noises. Everyone else at the party was all like ‘what the fuck’ and I just tried to tell everyone that he was drunk but truth is he probably would have done that if wasn’t drunk. He was just a weird dude. I haven’t seen him since college. I wonder what he’s doing now. I bet he is a Youth Pastor or some shit. Isn’t that how shit like that always works out? Like the craziest, most drug addicted dude you knew in college always ends up being some straight laced douche bag. You know? Like Teddy Leon. He got drunk and punched a cop Freshman year and now he is one of those Doctors Without Borders guys. That’s what his Facebook page says anyways. Crazy. I wonder if that one dude can still do the Chewbacca noise. That was pretty cool when he did that. Unless I was trippin’ balls. If I was trippin’ then it usually scared the shit out of me. But yeah, that pirate thing that happened the other day was fucking crazy.”

As no one particularly cares about a ship containing 23 goats, three Michael Jackson look-a-likes, seven boxes of carrots, 14 canisters of soy milk, 107 boxes of “Dancing With The Stars; Season 1” DVDs and a British couple no further investigation into the story was made.