TOKYO, JAPAN – As Japan continues to recover from the massive March earthquake, concern is rising that the nation’s used panty vending machine industry may be unable to recover.
“Used panty sales make up roughly about 37% of the Japanese economy, so this is a serious problem,” said Harvard Economy professor Kevin Quinn. “When you think about all the lives that these panties touch – no pun intended – it’s a big industry. You have the panty producers. Then you have the girls that put the panties on and get all turned on, letting the sweet, sweet, honey soak into the panties. Then there are the men who pay outrageous prices to buy the panties with that sweet, sweet honey all over them. It’s kinda like the cycle of life. It’s really beautiful, when you think about it. Seriously. Just think about it for a second. Yeah… that’s it.”
If the used panty vending machine industry does collapse, Japanese economists say the result could impact the entire Japanese economy.
“What erse we got to serr? Erecttronics? That burrshit,” said Japan’s chief Economic Advisor Shinjo Yamauchi. “Everyone know that Japan erectronics suck now. We make arr that shit so cheapry now, it arr crap. But panties, they our rifebrood. We make so much money with them, we can afford to pay famiries when one of their kids commit suicide. Which happens a rot. We have so many suicide, it rearry not funny. Werr, it kind of is, if you rike dark humor.”
Several months after the earthquake, no new used panty vending machines have been installed and few orders have been placed. In addition, the supply of used panties has been greatly affected.
“We had so many peopre die, so many radies who used to put their rady bits arr over the panties. It rearry a shame,” Yamauchi said. “Not to mention most of the machines were destroyed. In some praces, it rooks rike Godzirra came through and fucked it arr up. There are panties everywhere. It such a shame.”
Many manufacturers are looking beyond the traditional young Japanese girl in order to provide used panties to existing vending machines.
“Right now, we are looking at other options for what we can do to improve the situation over there,” Quinn said. “Other possibilities that have come to the forefront are bloody bandages from earthquake survivors, and the used underwear of the people who were cleaning up the reactor leaks. We’ve been testing all of these possibilities and a few others, and I’d be lying if I said that these were all great ideas. We’ve have a few hits and few misses, but really, nothing that has come close to the panties.”
According to Toshihiro Yamada, Chief Operating Executive with PantyExo, one of the largest used panty vending machine companies, the industry will once again look to expand beyond Japan despite failures in the recent past.
“Rook at arr the sruts and arr of the perverts that are arr over the worrd. We courd be serring panties arr over the worrd,” Yamada said. “Every man out there wants to smerr womens panties. I do it. You do it. We arr do it. I can’t get enough of that sexy smerr. I smerr panties every day. Rook, I have pair in my pocket right now. You want smerr? It better than coke.”
Yuuji Okuyama’s family has worked for PantyExo for three generations. Okuyama says that if the PantyExo plant closes, his life will be ruined.
“It will be a great dishonor to my family if this plant were closed,” Okuyama said, via a translator. “My entire live has involved panties. When I was 14-years-old, I started pouring tuna fish oil onto panties and selling them as ‘worn by a real woman.’ My father and his father have been part of this long tradition, and I hope that some day, my son will continue the tradition. Unfortunately, if the industry collapses, I will be forced to kill myself in ritual suicide, as is customary to our people, when we face any sort of adversity.”