LEESBURG, VA – A local homeless man says that he has developed a plan for balancing the budget and addressing all of The United States of America’s current financial concerns.
Over the last several weeks, Stanley Robinson, who lives behind the K-Mart on 4th Street, has has been describing his budget plan to K-Mart customers as they enter the store.
“My plan is god damned asshole! Fffffffuckkkery! My plan is sound, dick! Dick! Dick! Dick!” said Robinson. “We’ll need the teeth later but right now we can just get to the taxes. That’s the key, cunt! Fuckery! Ffffffuuuuuckkkery! Cock! Taxes can only go so far though, you know? You know? God fuck! Fuuckkktaxes!”
While few have paid attention to what it is that Robinson has said, those that have seemed confused about many of the plans details.
“I understand that the taxes are the key, but I don’t really see how they will be applied to our current situation,” said Katie Young, a cashier at the K-Mart. “Sure, taxes are obviously the answer but what are we taxing? How much? I think he’s on the right track, but there seems to be a lot that he hasn’t quite worked out. Well, maybe he has and he just hasn’t shared it with us. That and talks about cunts a lot. I’m not sure how they fit into the whole picture. I mean I don’t even know if he’s talking about an actual cunt or just a person who acts like a cunt. These are things that will have to be worked out.”
According to Robison, he has no background in economics or politics but maintains that his approach is based in common sense and a year spent living in south-east Washington, D.C.
“I lived in D.C. And I know. I talk, I talk fuck… I talk to the homeless people here and there and over there by that bucket. I talk to them all so I know. I… uh, fucking cunt! God fucking god shit!” said Robison.
For months Congress has been locked in a bipartisan battle over the federal budget. Both Republicans and Democrats have presented budgets but neither party has voted for or endorsed the plan presented by the other party.
“The closer we get to the deadline, the farther away from a deal it seems we are,” said President Barak Obama. “Everytime (the Democrats) propose something, those asshole Republicans automatically dismiss it. Without even hearing it. It’s like they’re a bunch of five year olds. Of course us Democrats do the exact same thing to their plans, so really we’re just not making any headway here.”
While confident in his budget plan, Robison has not discussed the details of his plan with anyone in Congress.
“They don’t see, but I fffffffuuuuuuuukity,” Robison said. “They think that we’re just cunt fucking shit! The bucket has heard everything and he’ll back me up. Washington doesn’t know shit fuck.Cuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcunt.”
Robison does plan on putting his proposal in writing and has been saving his feces for several weeks in order to have enough writing material.
“Jesus fuck cunt asshole!” said Robison.