NEW YORK CITY, NY – During a recent interview on the Piers Morgan Tonight television show, God admitted he responds to the prayers of celebrities and athletes before others – even before his most dedicated followers.
“I’m not going to sit here and lie to you, do I answer the prayers of someone like Johnny Depp or… (NFL Quarterback) Phillip Rivers before I answer the prayers from some no-name guy from Arkansas? Yes. Yes I do answer Johnny Depp’s prayers before non-famous people,” said God. “And if you think that you wouldn’t do the same if you were in my place you are kidding yourself.”
God continued stating that the reasons for answering celebrity prayers first are mostly subconscious.
“When I see a list of names in my inbox, the ones that stick out are the ones that I know. If I see Angelina Jolie’s name in a list of no names I think it’s just natural to click on that one first,” said God. “Also, the celebrities are so much more interesting and their prayers are so much more interesting. I mean you take a look at the typical football player who wants to win the game then have a threesome with his girlfriend and a stripper with one leg on a bed made out of cocaine. Then you look at Joe Blow from Arkansas who wants his son to get into the local community college, and you can see where I’m coming from. I mean, everyone in my position would do the same thing. I know for a fact that Xenu does.”
God’s comments immediately came under fire with many famous followers denouncing the remarks and calling for God to retract the statements and apologize.
“I think God needs to check himself because what he is saying is bullshit,” said Cardinal Jerome McGrerre. “(God) should treat us all as equals. That’s what he should be doing. By saying he answers celebrities’ prayers first is not fair and he should be fair because if he’s not fair and only listens to people who are famous then why the hell does anyone believe in him if they aren’t going to get what they want? The only reason to believe in God and to pray to God is to get what we want. I think I’m going to convert to Buddhism. That will show him!”
Despite the outcry from followers, God has stood by his words.
“I’ve been doing this for a long time, I need to do something that keeps my head in the game,” God said. “Everyone out there experiences the same thing in their daily jobs. You get used to the routine, and things just get boring. You gotta switch things up a bit. Celebrities provide that and then some. Yes, I’ll still get to most of the regular peoples prayers, it just might take me a little bit longer.”
Despite God’s comments, some of his followers don’t believe that his words are being interpreted correctly.
“I think that a lot of people are taking this the wrong way,” said Carla Garmen, a housewife from Kansas. “You see, the media, who is run by heathens, wants people to think that God is a hypocrite and won’t listen to the little people. But those people are just not listening to what he’s saying. I know what he’s saying. It may sound like he’s saying that that he answers rich people’s prayers first, but I can tell you that’s not what he’s saying. I know God, I’ve talked to him every night for the last 30 years. What God is saying is that being gay is a sin, so you shouldn’t be gay. Also that he wants Rick Perry to be President.”
Even though a lot of people are misinterpreting his word’s God insists that things are still the same as they’ve always been.
“I know what people are saying, but you know, I can’t let that stuff bother me,” God said. “Look, let me put it this way. If you’re a major douche bag, and I wasn’t going to answer your prayer anyway, I’m still not going to answer you. But if you deserve it, you’ll probably get what you want… at some point. Just keep in mind that I’m going to answer Tom Brady’s request to beat the Dolphins long before I get to you. I’m just sayin’.”