CONCORD, NH – In the wake of the Phish breakup, the Department of Welfare has declared a state of emergency to house and feed the thousands of Phish fans left to fend for themselves by the split.
“Right now we are most concerned with finding shelter and food for these poor lost souls who devoted their entire lives to this band,” said Department of Welfare chief, Martin Wallace. “With their society rapidly imploding, we are most concerned about culture shock and working to slowly adapt these people back into the American society. We are on the verge of something that is much worse than any refugee situation ever seen in the modern era. Much, much worse that Sarajevo.”
The Dept. of Welfare’s plan includes providing each ‘Phishead’ with a bar of soup, a can of lentil soup, a non tie-dyed shirt and a support group for dealing with the tremendous loss.
“Our concerns don’t lay solely with the adult ‘Phisheads,’ as they call themselves. We are especially concerned about the younger members of the group, the high school students who are now left without a role model for their ‘Suburban Hippie’ culture. Child Protective Services has been called in to re-introduce those children into the upper-middleclass and the families that once loved them.”
A similar situation occurred in 1995 when Jerry Garcia, anti-culture guru and lead singer for the Grateful Dead, passed away leaving three generations of “Deadheads” to fend for themselves. The Dept. of Welfare’s plan at that time was to quickly find a pacifier for the thousands of loyal Dead fans. Finding a suitable Grateful Dead replacement in Phish, the Dept. of Welfare managed a transition of Deadheads to Phisheads.
The transition between the two musical acts was so seamless that the Department of Welfare was content and felt that a back-up plan was not necessary.
“The suddenness and entirety that Phish was accepted blew us all away. We figured that Phish was going to be around for a long time, at least as long as the Dead were, and I figured that I’d be long gone by the time one of the band members od’d or something. We never thought that this situation would present itself so soon, and honestly, there really isn’t a viable substitute this time around. We could probably dump them off on the Dave Mathews Band but the band’s existing fan base is already annoying. Stoned/drunk Frat guys with their girlfriends and Hippies aren’t a good combo,” Wallace said.
As the Dept. of Welfare’s plan begins to take hold and Phisheads are collected into control groups, fans are gathering at open-air amphitheaters across the country to mourn.
“Man! What a total bummer! I mean… this isn’t only the death of a great and magical, wondrous band but the death of a whole community and…you know man, a whole economy. There won’t be any more grilled cheese sandwiches in the lot and no more Kynd veggie burritos…that’s all gone now. Whole generations are put out of business, man! If they can’t sell their grilled cheese what are they gunna do? They wont have enough money to make themselves sandwiches! No, I don’t hate (Phish) for breakin’ up you know, but man! What a downer. What am I supposed to do with this dime?” said fan Chris Perutti.