Zombie Unicorns Attack Fans At Minor League GamePublished September 2011 0 Comments | Share:
ASHLAND, KY – Three weeks ago fans and professional baseball players were attacked by a herd of Zombie Unicorns as a publicity stunt went horribly wrong. The attack occurred at Rainbow Field, home to Minor League Baseball team The Majestics and according to police, more than 250 people were severely injured although there are no reported fatalities.
Details of the unicorn attack were leaked today by an unknown source.
“The whole event was supposed to be really inspirational,” said the unknown source who will be referred to as Majestics’ Marketing Director Glenda Werth. “We were working with Swedish scientists to permanently graft horns onto the ponies. They were using stem-cell research to create the horns in the lab. I did not know they were going to grow a whole new animal.”
Initially, Majestics’ owner Skip Tyler denied the stories about a disastrous scientific experiment.
“We were just doing a fun little promotion and children’s charity event where ponies were trained to hit baseballs with a unicorn horn tied to their head,” stated Tyler in a press release shortly after the incident. “There is no need to believe the stories about so called Zombie Unicorns. Zombies aren’t real and unicorns aren’t real and we certainly didn’t use cells from evil horses to genetically engineer a new breed of monstrous unicorns capable of hitting home runs with their horns. There is no evidence! People are so imaginative these days! It is a hoax! And what is all this crazy talk about black SUV’s? Everyone drives (a black SUV) these days.”
Leaked security tape footage from a lab at Legends and Aliens LLC, shows ponies going through the painful transformation into “unicorns” as “horns” grew out of their heads. Many of the animals collapsed after the process. Footage from the following months showed more transformations as the ponies changed color and began to eat through the lab to gain their freedom.
The notebook containing one scientist’s meticulous logs was also leaked with the security tape. Language Specialist, Adam Winkler, at the Ashland Community College edited and translated some of the notes.
“Many of the animals are exhibiting changes in the iris size and a presence of blood in the eye, the mandible is increased in size, causing an exaggerated overbite. The body mass is now more comparable to that of a Clydesdale, with continued growth. They are increasingly hostile towards each other and show no signs that we will be able to train them. It does not appear that the animals will be able to hit home runs with their horns. Additionally, the animals may be prone to dying and coming back as zombie unicorns that will desire the taste of human flesh.”
The notebook itself was marked “Property of Elf”.
When asked if humans could be subject to zombism or unicornism as a result of contact with the zombie unicorns, professor of science and medicine, Ray Downey MD, PhD, at the University of Kentucky said that they are still testing samples from the victims.
Downey would not comment about how long the injured would be held in quarantine and had no information regarding the multiple sightings of black SUV’s on the Medical Campus.
Majestics’ fan, Jackson Mesik, was at the game and recorded the attack on his cell phone camera.
“You know, it was so unreal. I am still really in shock. But I could not help it, when I saw the big black one get up to home plate, I just started firing the balls out at him, and sure enough, that horn was an automatic home run machine! And I was like ‘OMG, I totally have to get out there to the pitching machine.’ So, I ran out to left field and I rigged that thing up and turned it around and I started firing balls out like crazy to the big black one in the middle and sure enough, yeah, he was hitting home runs but then sometimes he would fire one like right at my head man! Then he wouldn’t stop, so I was like ‘I gotta run for cover!’ And I ran so fast, man! I ran down into the locker rooms and some of the players were in there and then we all hid in the lockers, man, and then we heard like this huge exhale and this horse sneezing sound and this huge crash. One of them big ones just up and died, man. So, it was so cool, the pitcher and me, we went out and nudged the thing with our toes and he was totally dead. God, did he smell bad! Then we got outta there through the secret player entrance. Wow. What a day. Hey, do you know who those guys are with the black SUV’s?”
Both Mesik and Tyler are no longer available for comment. Their cell phones are out of service and family members report that both men were recently escorted to a black SUV by a man with dark black sunglasses.
A visit to Legends and Aliens LLC turned up one little black pony eating grass in a vacant lot.