According to research, the internet is now 80% porn, 15% cat images and 4% comments made by assholes.

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CAMBRIDGE, MA – Research conducted at Massachusetts Institute of Technology has concluded that the internet is now 80% pornography, 15% cat videos/pictures and 4% poorly written comments.

“While most of our findings were pretty much exactly what we all thought they would be, the one thing that surprised us is that cat videos and pictures amounted for so little of the internet,” said Research Assistant Geraldine Westerly. “Christ, you can’t even turn on a computer without seeing a stupid dancing cat animated picture. I love cats and all but come on! But the pornography amount was right about where we expected it to be.”

Although cat pictures and videos have become extremely pervasive, the research could not answer why cats have become such a large part of the internet. In the real world dogs remain the most popular domestic animal followed by Emus.

“This is only speculation because our research didn’t indicate why there are so many cat things online… but I think it’s because the people that love cats really love cats,” said Lead Researcher and Statistician Henry Boore. “I think the people that really love cats really, really love cats and spend all day looking for or creating websites and images and videos of cats. I’d venture to guess that most of the cats stuff online is generated by the same 100 people because they are lonely and really love cats.”

The large percentage of pornography content on the internet has not surprised anyone, including people who only occasionally use the internet.

“My mom only uses the internet to send me pictures of her cat, but even she knows that pretty much the only other thing to do on the web is to look at porn,” Boore said. “Just ask anyone. Ask a fifth grader and they’ll tell you. Hell, ask someone who has never even heard of the internet and there’s a good chance that they will predict that porn is the number one thing on it.”

Poorly written comments also amount for a large portion of the internet. According to the research team, for each bit of news or opinion posted on the internet there is an average of 234,981 poorly written comments attached to the original post.

“When people read something online it appears that they have an immediate need to respond to what they just read,” said the research team’s faculty advisor, Professor Waylon Smithson. “And, the more uneducated and… mentally challenged you are the more likely you are to respond. And looking at the comments there seems to a general lack of understanding with regard to the English language and a theme of calling the author of the original post or other commentors a homophobic slur. To put it aonther way, every bit of news posted online will have at least 200,000 some-odd comments calling the author of the news article ‘gay.’”

While pornography, cat videos/pictures and poorly written comments amount for 99% of all internet content, the research team had trouble identifying what constitutes the other one percent.

“We just don’t know, that’s the only explanation that I can give you,” Boore said. “I mean, it could be news, but that’s not all of it. Maybe celebrity news, but still, the percentages are too small to confirm. For all I know it could be stupid videos about washed up hockey player. We just don’t know.”

To conduct the research, the study team looked at every single website in existence and documented the content. The process took five years and 2,000 graduate student volunteers.

“(The research) took a long time because so much of the internet is porn and you can really only look at that stuff for five minutes before you need to take a break,” said Westerly. “We thought at first that we’d only hire females to look at the porn, but really, they were worse than the guys. I can tell you though, I did my fair share of the research. I didn’t leave it all to the students.”