ATLANTA, GA – In the wake of a national shortage of turkeys, the Food and Drug Administration in conjunction with the American Farmers Association has released a list of turkey alternatives for the upcoming holiday season.
The turkey shortage is due to severe weather in many parts of the US. According to the AFA, almost 60% of the available supply of turkeys did not survive through summer.
“It is a dark day for turkey farmers, I can tell you that,” said Jordan Smith, spokesperson for the FDA. “Those poor little bastards, the turkey’s I mean, they just didn’t stand a chance. It’s like God – if there is a God, which there isn’t – really had it out for them. Sure, turkeys are basically retarded, but still, they didn’t deserve what happened to them. Between the cold, the flooding, and the fires – there just aren’t enough turkeys to go around. We felt that since this is a big time for the nation and food, we should provide some alternatives so that we, as a people, can still gorge ourselves over the next two months like our forefathers intended.”
The FDA and AFA recommend families think “outside the box” and beyond traditional meats to have a memorable Thanksgiving.
“Something that not a lot of people would think would be on our list is ferrets,” Smith said. “Ferrets taste a lot like turkey, but the thing is, they don’t make you sleepy afterwards. The only real problem is that you gotta cook a whole lot of them to get the same amount of meat that you would get from your average turkey. But I can tell you, that’s some good eating. Something else on the list that you might not expect? Manatee.”
Other recommend turkey substitutes include pigeon, mogwai, horse, panda, bald eagle, and Na’vi.
“With the turkey shortage this is a perfect time to try something new, you know?” said farmer Jed Wayne. “I have been raising, slaughtering and eating bald eagle since I was in diapers and I can tell you that is some good meat. A little gamey, but good. I personally recommend buying 10 to 12 bald eagles for Thanksgiving. And you should buy them all from me. Here’s my card. Call me. I’ll get you set up with enough bald eagle meat to feed an army. And I also sell meth if you need some of that too.”
One of the more traditional turkey substitutes on the list is pork. Pigs have proven to be more resilient than their feathered brethren.
“You can do so much more to a pig than you can to a turkey,” Smith said. “Like I said, turkeys are the retards of the animal kingdom, but pig, man those things are sharp. Did you know that you can train a pig to use a toilet? You can. Of course they would rather roll around in their own waste. And you know, who wouldn’t? If I could get away with it, I’d lay around in my own shit. And to all of you people out there who think I’m gross, tell me you wouldn’t do the same. You know you would. But yeah, pork is always a good substitute for turkey.”
To ensure this year’s shortage is a one-time event, the FDA and AFA are taking steps to ensure that plenty of turkey is available in the future, regardless of any potential catastrophes.
“I don’t want to get to into it because it’s all very hush-hush but there will be plenty of turkey from now on,” said AFA President Bob Hurtle. “Let’s just say it involves gene splicing, freezers, time travel and bestiality. That last one if just for fun though.”