WASHINGTON, DC – Despite knowing very little about North Korea, foreign policy experts think that the people of North Korea are probably sad at the passing of Kim Jong-il.
“We know very little about North Korea but we think that the people of North Korea might be sad that their former Supreme Leader has passed – maybe. Probably. We think,” said United States Foreign Policy Advisor Sean Williams. “Again, we don’t know anything about North Korea – at all – but we think the people are sad. They might not be but we think they probably are. Really, how would we know? The North Korean government says the people are sad and we don’t really have any reason to think they are lying. But then again, (the North Korean government) lies to us all the time so who knows”
Due to North Korea’s secrecy and unwillingness to engage with other nations, very little is known about North Korea other than what comes from the North Korean government.
“(North Korea) was a real pain in our asses when we would try to do anything,” said Washington University Professor of Pacific Rim Politics, Jan Van Husen. “Anytime we would try to get some information, all we would get is how great of a leader Kim Jong-il was. Even when we weren’t asking about him. It was like ‘hey, how’s the economic outlook over there?’ ‘Our Supreme Leader is glorious and righteous in his decisions.’ Do you know how frustrating that is when you’re trying to gather data? I can tell you, it’s very frustrating. Like trying to convince your parents that you aren’t lonely even though you’re 45 and single. It’s that level of frustration.”
In addition to the generally accepted theory that the North Korean people are sad, foreign policy experts also think that the people of North Korea are happy at the announcement of the new Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-il’s 28-year-old son.
“We know next to nothing about North Korea and what they are doing over there but we saw pictures of a parade in honor of Kim Jong-un,” said Samuel Garner, United States Ambassador to South Korea. “When you look at those pictures, the people look happy so… maybe they are happy that they have a new Supreme Leader and are glad it’s Kim Jong-un? Maybe? Shit, I don’t know. It’s really hard to tell because (North Korea) has a lot of parades. They have a parade every day. Not really but it sure seems like that based on the number of times we see pictures of parades coming out of North Korea. I’m not even sure the general populace even know what all the parades are for. They just know that they have to show up for them or they get shot.”
Little is known about the new leader Kim Jong-un leading many to speculate about how he was chosen and his background.
“We’re pretty sure that he was appointed, not elected,” said Williams. “I mean, we think he was appointed. I would assume that if there was some sort of election, we would have heard about it. But maybe not. We don’t know. They really don’t tell us anything. But if there was an election, I would think that pop star Chae Yeon would have won in a land slide. They love that girl there. At least I think they do. You never really can tell. But I can tell you one thing. She’s a lot easier on the eyes than either Jong-un or Jong-il.”
One thing foreign policy experts know they are not sure about is whether or not relationships will change with the installation of the new Supreme Leader.
“We hope that (Jong-un) doesn’t follow in his dad’s crazy footsteps, but we really don’t know because we don’t know anything about Kim Jong-un,” said Garner. “Kim Jong-il was a lunatic. Probably. Did you know that one time he made his press advisor dress up like Belle from Sleeping Beauty and serenade him while he decided where he was going to test a nuclear missile? At least that’s what some person said one time while we were talking about the mines in the DMZ.”
Regardless of how the future unfolds, foreign policy experts are confident that they will be able to continue to speculate about North Korea for many years.
“We don’t know shit and that probably won’t change so we’ll just keep guessing and thinking things out loud,” said Williams.