WASHINGTON, DC – As the Republican Party struggles to identify a viable presidential candidate, party leaders have summoned the Council of Nine.
The Council of Nine, an ancient and powerful order of Republican leaders, will now convene to pick, or if need be, conjure, a new Presidential candidate.
“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Republican strategist Gabriel Henderson. “The base hates Mitt (Romney) and Newt (Gingrich) is a fucking sociopath. Don’t even get me started on Santorum. How it came to this I have no idea. The one remotely intelligent and stable guy we put out there, (John) Huntsman, couldn’t get more than 20 votes in any given city. So what do we have now? We have (Romney) talking about how super-mega-rich people and bands are just like everyone else, and (Newt) talking about moon bases. It’s gonna be a bloodbath unless the almighty Council can help us.”
The Council of Nine – the Republican Party’s most wise, ancient and mystical members – is made up of the following members; Walt Disney’s brain, Ted Nugent, Alternate Universe Sean Penn, a baby that was not aborted, the ghost of President William Harrison, the original Dick Cheney, Nathan Bedford Forrest (founder of the KKK), Mark Lewis (an elementary school superintendant from Lexington, TN), and a lamp.
This gathering of the Council will mark the first time since 2008 that the Council of Nine has been called together.
“When I got the call I was down in Haiti knocking down shelters and poisoning water supplies,” said Alternate Universe Sean Penn. “But I’m glad (the Council of Nine has) been called. We need to figure this shit out now or come November, the Republicans are going to be fucked. Fucked! We can’t let that happen. I can’t go through another four years of that Communist (Barrack) Obama being in office. We need to stop that guy. We also need to destroy Haiti.”
Faced with growing dissatisfaction with both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, Republican leaders were pressed to call upon the Council of Nine for guidance.
Last week Speaker of the House John Boehner summoned the council by blowing the Horn of Cartet.
“By blowing into this mighty horn, the Council of Nine will heed the call of the Nation,” said Boehner in a written statement. “It is said that the Horn of Cartet was fashioned out of the horn of the mighty Leviathan. Handed down from generation to generation, the Horn of Cartet has been used by those in need to bring together the most enlightened of our people. Never in the history of the Republican Party has the Horn of Cartet been needed more. Except for when we had to get rid of that Palin chick. But really, that was just a matter of telling her to hit the bricks. We may not have needed to get the council involved in that but we did anyways.”
While little is known about how the Council operates, it is assumed that if the Council can not identify a solid candidate, a new candidate will be conjured using ancient spells artifacts contained in the Council’s sacred texts.
“We’ve got this here book that has all kinds of spells in it, and that’s really cool,” said Lewis, the highest ranking member of the Council of Nine. “We can do all kindsa crazy things with this here book, but we really don’t want to. You gotta be careful when messin’ with the dark side, ya see. When you start messing with the dark arts, things can go all sortsa bad in a hurry. I mean just look at Dan Quayle. We used the book to get him in as Vice President and the whole dang world done suffered for it. That was kind of a nightmare, whoo boy. But we’re hopin’ that we don’t have to resort to that. We’re hopin’ that we can find the perfect candidate that will take this country out of the hands of the Spendocrats and back in to the god fearin’ hands of a nice, rich, white man. Like it should be.”
When and where the council will meet is being kept secret but several Republicans have said the gathering will occur “within days.”