FARGO, ND – In a world where high gas prices are gouging most Americans pocketbooks, one of America’s oldest and proudest professions is struggling to adapt -serial killers.
With gas prices topping five dollars in many states, serial killers are now having to find, kill and bury their victims much closer to home, increasing the risk of being caught by law enforcement.
“With (gas) prices were they are, I can’t afford to drive downtown, pick up a hooker, drive him or her out to the farm land, kill them, drive the dead body back to my house, have my way with it for a week, eat a little bit of it, then drive out to the other side of the state to bury it,” said serial killer Wesley Edgar Nooney. “Nope. These five dollar days are forcing me to find people real close to home, drive them behind the K-Mart, kill them there, drive back to my home, have my way with them, eat a little bit of them, and then bury the bodies in my crawl space. My crawl space isn’t that big. It’s gonna start to get unseemly… and probably smelly here pretty quick, you know. And when that happens, that’s when your neighbors start to get nosey. That’s when you get Annie Willis down the street on the news talking about how I was such a quiet guy and they never thought I would be able to do something like this. You don’t know me Annie. You don’t know what I’m capable of. Maybe if you took some time to get to know me, I wouldn’t have to kill.”
Many serial killers have had to make several sacrifices in order to kill at the rate they are accustomed to and some have even begun to think about retirement.
“I’ve tried coming up with gimmicks, you know? Like killing only on Fridays and right outside of TGI Friday’s restaurants but that probably won’t work because there are only a couple TGI Fridays around here,” said Nelson Walter Greer. “How many weeks in a row do you think I can go before the cops catch on and wait for me? I’d bet not long. I mean I could probably only get part of a new skin suit before I’m caught. See, that just doesn’t work for me. And I know a lot of guys that are in the same boat. I mean at our weekly meetings, a lot of guys are talking about just giving it up. One guy, I forget his name, but he was talking about cutting off his own flesh when the blood lust hits. Yeah, it’s that bad. It’s dark days for us serial killers.”
As gas prices have increased, serial killer’s area of coverage has been reduced. With a smaller area to focus on, police and law enforcement officers can identify and catch the killers quicker.
“I’ll tell you one thing, we’ve had a really good go of it lately,” said Fargo Police Chief Dave Barrett. “I mean, before, it would take us so long to catch these people because we had no idea where they were located. Back in the day, only an idiot would kill where they actually live. It’s like that old saying, ‘don’t shit where you eat.’ But now, these guys have to find their victims in their own city, and even more common, their own neighborhood. That makes it so much easier for us. Everyone has that creepy guy in their neighborhood that they suspect has a torture dungeon in their basement where they’re fattening their victims up in order to make meat pies out of them and sell them to unsuspecting neighbors. Now when people in the neighborhood turn up missing, we always know where to start.”
With more arrests, the number of serial killers declines and that has some worried that the profession may disappear entirely.
“It will really be a shame if the serial killer disappears from our society,” said historian Martin Paul Strarter. “Serial killers have been a part of American history since Henry Howard Holmes and even before that. The American serial killer is such an important part of our identity that if it were to go away I think our culture may never recover. We’d probably end up like Switzerland.”
Switching to alternative forms of fuel has its own risk for serial killers.
“I realize that we are making huge strides in alternative fuels but the last thing I need is to run out of electricity on the highway with a dead body in my passenger seat,” said Nooney. “And solar? No way. No self respecting serial killer would, or even could, hunt during the day.”