ORLANDO, FL – Although her family members and friends have tried to explain it, local Grandmother Helen LaFornte doesn’t understand “the Kony thing.”
“I see signs all over the place that say ‘Kony this’ and ‘Kony that’ but it doesn’t say what Kony is!” said LaFornte. “Is Kony running for president? Or is he that nice, young Christian quarterback Wanda’s son was talking about when he visited last month? I don’t know and every time I ask someone they just shake their heads and chuckle. I don’t get it. I’m not that old that I can comprehend a simple statement about who someone is.”
LaFronte first noticed a Kony 2012 sign last week while having lunch with her grandson, Denver.
“Denver came to pick me up and we decided to go to Marie Calendar’s because I remember him saying that he liked it once, and I love their pies. Have you ever had a slice of their Berry Medley? It’s nothing short of heaven,” said LaFronte. “Now Denver, he was telling me about his school and his church groups and how he likes root beer. But I must tell you, I’m no fan of the ear rings he’s been wearing. Boys shouldn’t be wearing jewelry like that. People will think he’s one of the gay. Anyway, as we were driving I saw a big sign that said ‘Kony something or other’ and I asked Denver what it was and he told me it was something about the internet. Why is everything these days about the internet? Don’t people just read books anymore? Glenda’s son runs his own business. It has something to do with the internet. I’m not real sure what. I didn’t understand what Glenda was saying. I was concentrating on the bridge game. I must tell you, sometimes I wish Glenda would concentrate more on the game instead of talking about how rich her children are. No one likes a braggart. So, you a reporter? That’s nice. I have a grandaughter your age. You should meet her. She’s real pretty and single too. She’s got a lazy eye, but I think it gives her character. That’s something that kids these days don’t have enough of. Character. Now it’s all about the hippy-hop and the Guess jeans. That stuff doesn’t build character.”
LaFronte has asked several of her children and grandchildren about Kony but doesn’t remember what she’s been told.
“I told mom that Kony is this African warlord type guy that is killing people or something. But she got confused,” said LaFronte’s daughter Breana Clarke. “I told her there was this video online showing all these terrible things that Kony is doing but that confused her more. So I just dropped it. It’s not important anyways. She lives in a nursing home anyways, they don’t need to worry about current events. The only thing that she needs to worry about is when the Grim Reaper is going to come for her. She’s gotta be near the top of the list, so hopefully, she wont have to worry about Kony… or anything else for that matter.”
While she has been unable to figure out the meaning or the Kony signs she’s seen, LaFronte said she will continue to ask questions until she understands.
“I don’t want to accidentally vote for Koner, or whatever his name is, if he is a bad person,” said La Fronte. “I once voted for a communist when I lived in New York. I liked the sound of his name and when I told my neighbor… what was his name? Jim? James? Hmmm. I remember his wife was a Jew but he wasn’t. I think his name was Jack. No, no, it was Terrance. That’s right. My son Theodore would always call him Tew-wence. Poor Theodore. I thought he was slow for the longest time. But now he works for Chase banks and I think he is the President. He lives in Freemont. You know, Freemont, California? I visited once and I didn’t care for it. Too many hippies with their drugs and the smelling bad. I remember back in the day a kid would take a bath every other day so that they could go out and get a job in the coal mines. Have you ever worked in a coal mine, Mister reporter? You should. It’s good, honest work and it pays well. My granddaughter likes men who work with their hands. You should call her. She’s real pretty.”
Joseph Kony was unavailable for comment.