WASHINGTON, DC – After two years of informal classification and diagnosis, the American Psychiatric Association has added a new mental disorder to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – White Male Panic, or WhiMP.
“Let’s face facts, white men are going crazy, in the clinical sense, all over this country,” said APA President Suzanne Bennett Johnson, PhD. “The number of men being diagnosed with WhiMP has increased over 400% in the last year and with those kind of numbers we really felt that we needed to get classification around the disorder so we can begin treating these people before they become complete and utter assholes and unresponsive to therapy – like (NFL Quarterback) Ben Roethlisberger.”
According to APA, WhiMP is an anxiety disorder found almost exclusively in white males that causes increased paranoia, anger, isolationism, and suspicion directed at anyone who is not a white male.
“WhiMP explains a lot of our recent history including a couple wars, a ton of legislation, Spike TV, the increase in MMA fighting clubs across the country, and why the (Major League Soccer) MLS hasn’t really caught on in the Mid-West,” psychiatrist Wendell Risner said. “White dudes are being bombarded with news stories about how minorities are becoming majorities and how women are commanding more high-paying jobs. It’s all scaring the crap out of them.”
A number of high profile men have been diagnosed as WhiMPs including Mel Gibson, comedian Adam Corolla, Hank Williams Jr., all conservative talk show hosts, and every ranking member of the Republican Party.
“Basically, anyone suffering from WhiMP will lash out at anything that isn’t ‘white male,’” said APA Board of Trustee member, Gwyneth Otaolaurruchi, M.D. “WhiMPs, as we call them, are terrified of just about everything outside of their control. When a WhiMP sees a minority or, say, a woman with confidence and strength, the WhiMP will often react by either pissing themselves, running away or passing legislation. In extreme cases, they will lash out at the person that they’re scared of, like a cornered animal. Now these are pretty rare cases because, for the most part, WhiMPs are, well, wimps. But every once in a while, you’ll see that happen.”
Those who suffer from WhiMP are easily identified, said Otto van Dyrek, M.D.
“Oh, yeah. WhiMPs are very easy to identify. If you see an overweight, middle-aged, Christian, white male who votes Republican you’ve more than likely just seen a WhiMP. Not all overweight, middle-aged, Christian, white, Republican males are WhiMPs and not all WhiMPs are overweight, middle-aged, Christian, white male, Republican but the majority are.”
Psychiatrists say that the disorder can, in part, explain much of the current political climate.
“Think about it this way, we have a black president,” van Dyrek said. “A black man, has supreme power. To WhiMPs, that’s like the first movie of the ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ series. Did you see that movie? Sure, now it’s fairly tame, but back in the day that was the epitome of scary. That’s what it’s like right now for WhiMPs. Every waking moment is seeded in fear. That’s a horrible way to live.”
In a recent article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, a clinical study determined that as many as 60 percent of white, male Americans may suffer from WhiMP. For those suffering from WhiMP, the APA recommends an extensive treatment including forcing the affected white male to move to an inner-city apartment, listen to hip-hop, eat Indian cuisine, and watch only the Lifetime and LOGO television channels.