LOS ANGELES, CA – A wildfire north of Los Angeles has destroyed one of the largest teen idol factories in the country, jeopardizing the national supply of teen idols.
The factory was one of only three teen idol factories in the country and was responsible for producing Britney Spears and several recent teen idols including Carly Rae Jepsen, Rebecca Black, Robert Pattinson, and Micha Wendt.
“The teen idol industry took a major hit here today and I’m not sure we will be able to recover as a nation,” said teen idol industry expert Ray Steele. “It’s a nightmare in there. Burnt teen idol bits everywhere. This is a sad, sad day. I don’t even want to think about what this country might be like with no teen idols or even less teen idols. Yuckers!”
The destroyed teen idol factory, operated by Globochem, produced an average of two teen idols a day.
“(Globochem is) hoping to rebuild be we’ll have to see. We lost a lot in the fire,” said Benjamin Fuelner, president of Globochem. “In the building that was destroyed there were roughly 200 teen idols in various stages of production. That means that 200 teen idols are not going to be hitting the streets this quarter. It’s a damn shame. A god damned shame. Think of all the young girls that won’t have a new teen idol every week. What will they do? Probably turn to drugs. That’s what I’d do.”
As a result of the fire, the global teen idol manufacturing capacity has been reduced by a third. The remaining teen idol factories may increase their production to meet the demand but those factories are limited by their size and the availability of natural resources like plastic and glitter.
“I would love to be able to produce more idols, but do you know how expensive the ingredients are? Not cheap,” said Allen Lim, founder and president of IdolTech. “Without getting into specifics, one of the ingredients, a certain chemical that’s been shown to cause some horrible diseases, is only available through certain third world countries. Those countries are always trying to screw us. So it’s just kind of difficult. Also, we have a lot of defects and have to put down a lot of our teen idols. We are working on our quality management.”
According to sources, the teen idol supply may be affected for years.
“I mean I guess that’s good for me, you know, it will eliminate a lot of the people that will come along and knock me off the top of the charts,” Wendt said. “I mean, I’ve only had my first song. I mean, I’ve got my follow up song that will be coming out soon, and I know that I’ll be done after that, but at least now I might be able to hang around for a little while longer. I mean, I don’t want someone breathing right down my neck.”
The fire burned the entire factory to the ground and destroyed all the equipment inside.
While no one important was hurt in the fire, factory manager Steven Terre stated that the cost of the materials and machines far out weigh the cost of a human life.
“Given the choice of if I would rather have had the machines in tact and a person die or have the machines destroyed and everyone live, I’d have to say I’d rather have the machines,” said Terre. “Hell, I can have any single person replaced within an hour but it takes a real goddamned long time to get one of these machines built and stalled. Fucking fire. Why me? Why did this have to happen to me? Fuck you god, you dick! Next time burn down something that I’m not using!”
The recent teen idols produced by the factory were thankful they made it out before the fire but they were also saddened by the news.
“When I heard the news, I was completely devastated,” Wendt said. “I mean, I just came out of there a few days ago so it was like my childhood home had burned down. Of course I didn’t have a childhood home because I was created in a factory, but, you know. I mean, when you think about all the ‘babies’ that are there in the test tubes, it’s really kind of sad. I mean, you know, I mean if I were technically human, and not a freak mutant thing, I would probably cry about the whole situation. I mean. Yeah.”