FAIRFAX, VA – After receiving tremendous backlash to its response to the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting late last year, the National Rifle Association has released a new response, suggesting that instead of armed security guards, each school in the country should deploy robotic sentry guards to prevent future attacks.
“We realize that our comments after the Sandy Hook tragedy were not very popular and made (the NRA) look like horrible monsters but that’s not who the NRA is. The NRA cares about guns and people. Not just guns. But mostly guns,” said NRA president David Keene. “Because (the NRA) also cares about people – to an extent – we have a list of ideas to help keep people safe and at the same time increase the number of guns in America. If there is one thing that will help protect America from guns, it’s more guns! It’s a fact and if anyone tries to argue it they are communist and want to take over America!”
The NRA’s new suggestions call for heavily armed, robotic guards posted at each entrance to every school in the nation. Additionally, the NRA suggested that the federal government pay for each robotic guard.
“Have you ever seen that movie Robocop? Do you remember the ED209 robot? That’s kind of what we’re thinking – great big, heavily armed robots that can identify threats and eliminate them quickly using guns,” Keene said. “I personally know of 13 different gun manufacturers that are willing and able to build an ED209 right now. I can tell you one thing, if a deranged person walked into an Elementary school and saw ED209 standing there, I can tell you that they’ll probably think twice about wasting a couple of kids. And even if the ED209 didn’t deter them, the ED209 would use all of its considerable firepower and blow the threat away. Even if a deranged person got their hands on their own ED209, say at a gun show, and if that deranged asshole took it into a school there still would be no threat to children. That school would already have at least one ED209, so the ED209s would battle each other in the hallways of the school while everyone else ran away in terror. How cool would that be?”
Another recommendation from the NRA is to force children to wear bulletproof combat gear at all times.
“Let’s face facts; kids are in danger wherever they go. Not from just people with guns but cars, lightning, sinkholes, spiders, IUDs, falling anvils, ice, dogs, and even javelins. So it’s really parents responsibility to force them to wear bulletproof combat gear every moment of their lives is really the best way to make sure they don’t get hurt,” said NRA board of directors member Jimmy Whittier. “But that will only be a defensive strategy. Every good parent should also give their kids an offensive strategy. We’ve actually worked with some weapons experts to create a helmet with a gun built in to the top of it for children to wear. If someone started shooting at the kid the kid could activate the gun helmet to fire back and the person shooting at them. It’s all really high tech stuff. The helmet would need to be worn at all times to be effective, but at least they’d be safe. There are too many crazy people out there giving us gun nuts a bad name.”
Anti-gun activists have responded to the NRA’s latest comments calling the suggestions “ridiculous, irresponsible and reckless.”
“(The NRA) needs to realize that we don’t need more guns to be safe, we need more hugs!” said anti-gun activist and college freshman Chelsea McDavid. “If everyone out there would just put all the guns down and give each other a hug and tell each other that we love them and just be, you know, better people, we would be so much happier. Think about it. If that kid in Newton or the dude from Aurora were just hugged more, loved more and left that love, they wouldn’t have wanted to go kill a bunch of people. I think that’s what’s wrong with this society. If we got rid of all the guns, all of them, and replaced them with love and understanding and feeding poor people, you know? That’s what America should be. Not just America! The world! Like all of history and everything. If I was around to give Hitler more love and more hugs, we’d have a lot more Jews around today.”
Until safety measures like the ones proposed by the NRA can be instituted, the NRA suggested stocking up on guns and buying large amounts of ammo online.
“Yes, we make a lot, and I mean a lot, of money off of online ammo sales but that’s not the reason we are suggesting that people go online and buy a ton of ammo,” said Keene. “People need to buy ammo because soon the liberal assholes in congress are going to make everything illegal so people had better hurry up and buy ammo. A lot of ammo. And a lot of guns. People need to do that before the liberals in our government come to their houses and forcibly take away all the guns. They will do that. I heard them say that. The liberals, especially that Barack Hussein Obama, are gonna come and take away every single gun away from every single American. And (the liberals) are also gonna take the first born child of every American and make them gay and Hispanic. So hurry up and go buy all the guns and all the ammo you can people!”