Resolutions Made in Vain

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Resolutions Made in Vain
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HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO – For the fifth year in a row, Jim and Rhonda Barber compiled a list of New Year’s Resolutions which, despite the couple’s best efforts, will most likely not be kept. The ritual, performed December 31, has been carried out by the couple every year since their marriage in 1993 and no resolutions have ever lasted the entire year.

According to experts, resolutions are a way to make a sad, pathetic life a little more normal and therefore, more enjoyable. Resolutions are a way to motivate people into taking action, but sometimes, they are no more than idle threats on a person’s psyche. Though more damage can occur than good by this practice, experts point out that it can just be the thought that counts.

“It is not uncommon for a person to try…well, let’s say ‘set goals’ for the upcoming year. If people think they are making a difference within themselves, then the practice is good. However, these goals are often more idealistic than realistic and soon after the turn of the year, the individual resorts back to their ‘bad habits’ whether it be paying to have sex with supple young girls, just out of high school or spending hundreds a day on sweet, sweet cocaine…Where was I…I, um, wouldn’t actually know anything about that last part…I, uh was speaking hypothetically…I love my wife,” Dr. Julius Von Houser said.

Despite the obstacles and past failures, Rhonda Barber remains confident that this current list will be carried out through the entire year.

“I am really looking forward to the new year. I know I’ve been kinda unhappy lately and not taking care of my self…but I got a new copy of ‘Chicken Soup For the Soul” and a charge card at Crate and Barrel so…it’s gunna be a good year. I can feel it. I’ve got so much planed and I am finally gunna get myself out there. Unless Jim doesn’t want me too,” Rhonda Barber said.

Friends and relatives of the couple have begun to loose patience with the couple’s resolutions and often make bets as to how long the resolutions will last. The list of both Jim and Rhonda only lasted 3 weeks in 1994 and a record two days in 1998.

“It’s the same stupid shit every year. Rhonda says she’s gonna loose weight and stop drinking, but every year she gains about 10 pounds and she makes about 1000 bucks off her glass and can recycling,” neighbor Ron Shepard said. “It’s a fuckin’ joke. Then there’s Jim, he does the same shit every year too, but all his revolve around hiding shit from Rhonda.”

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