WASHINGTON, DC – With the presidential election well in the past, most republican Christians are relieved that they can finally go back to being skeptical and suspicious of Mormons.
“It was hard, I mean really hard to pretend like Mormons don’t scare me,” said registered republican voter Reggie Treat. “And I had to do it for a long time. It wasn’t easy. I had to tell myself over and over that if a Mormon got elected president that it would be ok and not really, really scary. But now that Mitt Romney lost, I can go back to thinking that the Mormons are a cult and I don’t want one anywhere near my family. Unless of course they are going to give me a tax break and get rid of Obamacare.”
With the republican nomination of Mormon Mitt Romney as the party’s presidential candidate, republicans had to set aside years of suspicion and deep seated skepticism of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in hopes that a republican would become president of the United States.
“Look, I’m just gonna say it – when it comes down to what scares white people more – Mormons or black people – well, I guess we know that answer to that one,” said Tennessee’s republican Governor Bill Haslam. “Can you imagine a black Mormon? Holy Jesus that’s my worst nightmare. Not only would they rob you, but they’d try to convert your and baptize all your dead relatives and force them to listen to rap. But Romney lost so luckily, we can all go back not liking them Mormons one bit.”
Since the foundation of the church in 1829, Mormons have been generally regarded as “creepy” and “heretical.”
“We were actually very surprised that American’s, let alone Republicans, nominated a Mormon,” said sociologist Deenu Gashen. “A year before (Romney) was nominated people were still calling The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints a cult and believing that (Mormons) were going to turn us all in to polygamists. It’s actually quite refreshing to see attitudes change like that in this country and people becoming more tolerant of other religions. But, of course, everything went back to normal the second (Romney) conceded. At least it’s nice to see that somethings never change.”
Although pretending to be comfortable with the idea of a Mormon president, many republicans still had concerns that they, for the most part, kept to themselves.
“I didn’t tell no one but yeah, I was kinda scared about havin’ a Mormon president,” said Kentucky republican Laura Dill. “I heard that if (Romney) were elected, he’d give 10 percent of our country away to the church ‘cus all Mormons have to give 10 percent of what they make to the church or they get kicked out. I also heard that if he was elected, we would all have to go on Missions to other countries and spread the word about how great the US is and then promise them sandwiches if they become citizens. I would kinda like the mission part, but only if I could go to Paris or Australia. Of course with my luck I would probably get sent to Uganda or some other third world country. That would suck.”
In addition to being relieved that they no longer have to live a lie, many republicans are also slightly relieved that they will not have to kill their first born child.
“Them Mormons are crazy, you never know what they’re going to do,” Haslam said. “My friend Billy told me that when you sign up for the church, they give you magical underwear and make you sacrifice twelve virgins. It’s true. Billy said he met an ex-Mormon once and the guy told him all about it. Fuckin’ Mormons. They still aren’t as scary as black people though.”