SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Jesus Christ revealed earlier this week his intentions of pursuing legal action against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for illegal use of his name and image. Although speculation has been rampant for months, Christ made the decision public during a benefit for St. Luke’s Memorial Hospital Children’s Burn Ward.
Christ told attendees that the decision was finalized after several cease and desist letters issued to the LDS church were ignored.
“I can honestly say I am not happy with the decision, but the Latter Day Saints have left me no other choices,” Christ said. “I have tried and tried to work with them but they have so far been unwilling to negotiate. It’s unfortunate that lawyers now must get involved. I just hope that this can all be resolved quickly and quietly. I certainly don’t want to threaten them, but it’s pretty well documented what can happen when I get upset… you know what I sayin’?”
The Later Day Saints, or Mormons as they are more commonly known, were saddened and outraged by Christ’s attempts at litigation.
“Well, gosh. This just really burns me up,” said Joseph Freeman, Bishop of the Salt Lake Lehigh 8th Ward. “I mean, heck, he didn’t even give us a chance. We were tryin’ to tell the world what we though he meant. I mean, golly, at least we’re not like them dirty Hindu’s with their… god only knows how many gods. I mean, shucks, we are just trying to spread the truth. Oh, and we’re not a cult… and remember, Jesus and I love you.”
Though Christ admits he understands the Mormon’s interest in his name, he dismisses any relationship to the religion.
“Those guys, they just got it all wrong,” Christ said. “I know I never talked to this Joseph Smith guy. There have been times when I was admittedly a little… well, had a little too much wine at a Disciple’s Mixer. I usually remember what I do when I’m drunk and I know I would have remembered telling this guy that he should start up his own religion. The only thing that I can think of is that Mark or John was playing some kind of sick joke. They do that a lot and they are usually pretty funny, but they have a tendency to take things to far. Like this one time when they told this guy in Texas that he was me reincarnated. Boy, that was a good one but it kinda got ugly there at the end.”
Despite Christ’s claims, Mormon leaders are sticking behind their founder.
“We aren’t real sure why Jesus is now saying he never met Joseph Smith. We have paintings and other artwork that clearly show Jesus there with Joseph. I mean, what more proof do you need,” said Mormon Jacob Lyons. “We have our scripture and we hold everything in it to be true and for Jesus to come out now and say he wants nothing to do with us… well, it just hurts. Maybe he is just going through some rough times right now and maybe he needs some time to himself. I know once when I was in trouble I just sat down and read the book of Mormon cover to cover. After that I felt great. Maybe that’s what Jesus needs to do… read the Book of Mormon… and the Pearl of Great Price, maybe that will help him remember.”