NEW YORK, NY – Faced with its first openly gay player, the NFL is adopting new rules and working closely with the NFL Players Association to help players adapt to having an openly gay teammate.
“Our main focus is to make sure everyone is comfortable as we welcome the first openly gay player into the league,” said Eric Winston, President of the National Football League Players Association (NFLPA). “And by ‘everyone’ we mean fans, players, advertisers, coaches, even the cheerleaders. Because, let’s face it, there are some real pieces of shit that play and watch football. I don’t want to name names but people like Richie Incognito. As sad as it is, gay people make a big chunk of our audience ‘uncomfortable’ so we want to make this as easy of a process as we can.”
The most notable and obvious change will be to the television broadcast of NFL games. The NFL has made arrangements with every broadcast company to display a small graphic in the corner of the television screen letting viewers know that in five seconds a gay player will either appear on the screen or be mentioned.
“What the ‘gaycon,’ as we are calling it, will do is let homophobic losers know that a gay person will be on their screen in five seconds so they can plug their ears, close their eyes and shout the lyrics to some dumb county or rap song,” said Winston. “We feel that this will make it a lot easier for our homophobic losers in the audience to keep watching the game even. If we didn’t do this, someone might actually get a glimpse of a person they know to be gay and they would freak the fuck out. Then we’d get letters and people would try to sue us and boycott us. It’d be a nightmare. Ain’t no one got time for that. This way, it’s on the if they see a gay player.”
On the field, gay players will wear a patch on their jersey to identify them to other players. This will help opposing players decide whether or not to tackle a gay player.
“Yo man, I ain’t gonna tackle no gay guy. What if he likes it? I ain’t gonna do that,” said Maurice Betson, Cornerback for the Washington Redskins. “What if, like, when I tackle the guy he tries to kiss me or something? What if I like it? What if he thinks that I’m good lookin’? How am I ‘spose to deal with that? But if, I know a guy is gay then I can just say ‘naw, I ain’t gonna tackle that guy I don’t give a fuck what he do,’ and everything will be all good.”
The patch will also help players decide whether or not to slap another player on the butt.
“I have been slappin’ my teammates on the buttocks for year but none of them were gay,” said Denver Broncos Wide Receiver Jimmy Eadger. “Slappin’ a player on the buttocks is something I like to do because it’s a good teammate thing to do. It makes me feel good. It’s how I like to let players know they did a job out there. When they walk by I just say ‘hey, that was a great player out there fella’ and I give a little pat on the buttocks. But if a guy is gay… that means he… well, Jesus says that bein’ gay is wrong and so I guess that’s that. I’ll just make sure I pat the buttocks of players that aren’t gay.”
While having gay players is nothing new to the NFL, having an openly gay player is.
“While most of the country will welcome any player, gay or straight, most of our fans are apparently still living in the dark ages and are scared even of the idea of ‘gay.’” Said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “But, unfortunately we are a business so we have to make some concessions to these people, who mostly live in the mid-west, no surprise there, to keep them buying all things NFL. I know. I wish I could tell (people who are uncomfortable with gay players) to go fuck themselves with a rusty, metal dildo but I can’t because I like money. I like money a lot more than I like doing the right thing so… yeah. Whatchugonnado?”
Some of the changes will come in the locker room as the league will offer players a “shower helmet” that will cover the players face so they cannot see if another player is looking at them and protective pads to guard against any unwanted intrusions.