CANTON, OH – Several former NFL stars gathered during a press conference earlier this week to announce a new lawsuit against the NFL “because… um… the concussions… and…”
“Players in the NFL face a very real threat to their health due to the NFL’s policies and practices regarding player safety,” said former Dallas Cowboys star running back, Emmitt Smith. “Players who take numerous… um… hits… and… uh… yeah. We… um.”
The new lawsuit seeks damages of over $2 million. If awarded, the group of players will put the money into a fund to help cover medical costs for former NFL players.
“We aren’t doing this (lawsuit) for the money. We really aren’t” said former San Diego Chargers’ safety Rodney Harrison. “We are doing this to both send a message to the NFL and to help our friends who played in the league. It’s about… doing… the… um… shit… and we, uh… and… you know… it’s like… uh… uh… uh… uh… uh…”
Over the past few years, the NFL has been facing increasing scrutiny and lawsuits over its policies towards player safety. This recent lawsuit is just one of many that are currently filed against the NFL.
“These NFL stars that have filed this suit are not only looking out for current players but all future players as well,” said the group’s attorney, Jerome Dykes. “For far too long the NFL has ignored the safety of their players, building up the league so that everyone is bigger, faster and hit harder. Yet at the same time the league has done nothing to increase player’s health. A player get this in the head real hard and can’t play anymore? The league says ‘tuff’ and turns its back. More and more players are developing brain injuries. Seriously, have you talked to a NFL player lately? They are all borderline retard. Because of the injuries, they are all on the mental level of four year olds. That’s why we’re bringing this case to court.”
While many current NFL players have not commented on the lawsuit, a handful of players have made public statements in support of the lawsuit.
“Man. We are out there every day risking everything to play this game that we love and to represent our fans,” said Denver Bronco’s Tight End Jacob Tamme. “And while we make a ton of money, the NFL is making a fuckin’ trazillion times more. And the NFL should be looking out for us because we sure as hell ain’t gonna do it ourselves. But, you know, the thing is… that… uh… the… shit. What was I talking about?”
Lawyers for the NFL maintain that the league is doing everything it can to protect players and provide appropriate care.
“While it is true that the number of brain related injuries has increased dramatically over the last few years, the NFL has done everything in its power to help curb the lasting effects of these injuries,” said Malcom Reynolds. “(The NFL) gives them pads and helmets, what the else can they do? Tell people not to play football? That’s stupid. Why don’t we just tell people not to breathe? It’s ridiculous to say that the NFL is responsible for the injuries when we give them protective gear. It’s ludicrous.”
A recent poll of fans finds a split of those in support of the lawsuit and those that think the NFL players are just being fucking pussies.
“Personally, I think their all a bunch of pussies,” said John Wynans, 33 of Denver. “I played football back in high school and I got all kinds of concussions and I don’t have any potatoes. I think they should just get off of their high horses and tell people that they’re faking it. They should just get their buttons together and drive.”