SAN DIEGO, CA – Hello, hellooooooooo! I know it hasn’t been a super long time since I last graced you with my words of wisdom, but I can tell you that things have been totes cray-cray for me. First of all I met the man of my dreams. Well, that’s not actually true. I should say that I met the men of my dreams! I had the extreme pleasure of going to my first baseball game and let me tell you, the New York Mets really know how to handle their bats! They knew how to handle mine, too!
I’m here today to give you my picks for the best vacation spots here in the good ol’ US of A. Now I know that it’s a little late for a trip this year, but that’s why I decided to write this now. This list is so you have a place to go next year! See what I did there? I scoped out all the best places to go this year so that you have something to look forward to next year. And believe me, you’ll want to start looking now because once my list gets out, these places will book up faster than I can get on my knees for Mr. Met!
Rest Stop outside Albuquerque, NM
The first destination on my list is the rest stop about 74 miles East of Albuquerque, NM on I-40. Now you’re probably saying to yourself “Beth, why in the name of Lady Gaga’s vagina would I choose a rest stop as my number one vacation spot?” Well my loyal monkeys, this is single handedly the best rest stop I’ve ever seen. Now I’ve seen cleaner rest stops before, but this rest stop had hunky guys just hanging out all over the place. Both literally and figuratively. Who know that a bathroom full of glory holes could satisfy every need a beautiful go getter like myself had! Anyway this is a place you absolutely need to experience for yourself. Tell them that I sent you and they’ll give you the “Long Shore-man Special!”
Disneyland, Anaheim, CA
Next up on my list of the top vacation spots for next year is Disneyland. Now I know this is a no brainier but just hear me out. Did you know there are 234 places in the park where one can give/receive oral sex in private? It’s true! I went with my on again/off again fiancé Mandingo and believe me when I say that Disneyland truly is the “Magic Kingdom!” Take my advice, in Space Mountain, no one can hear you gag!
Wormsloe Plantation, Savannah, GA
Last on my list is a little known gem just outside of Savannah called Wormsloe Plantation. Now this might seem like an odd choice for me, but if there is one thing you probably know about me is that I love, love LOVE! The movie Forrest Gump. I don’t know why, I just always have. I think I can relate to the movie about a semi retarded guy that makes something of himself, you know? Anyway the scene where he was running down the street under the giant canopy of trees was filmed at Wormsloe. Let me tell you, it is simply beautiful! I could stay there for the rest of my life. Of course it didn’t hurt that I received a devine rimjob while touring the grounds! Shhhhh, don’t tell them, I’m already planning my return trip!
Cracker Barrel, Hamilton Township, NJ
I know what you are going to say – the only reason to go to New Jersey is to get laid or to bury a dead body. Or if you’re lucky, you can do both at the same time! Now I know, Cracker Barrel is no Panda Express. I know. I know! But this Cracker Barrel restaurant is worth it! Just one taste of the Sugar Fried Butter Bacon Blast Balls and you’ll just die! Literally! You will literally die if you eat too much of this food but who cares when you’re on vacation! And if you go, make sure you tell Edward that I sent you and you’ll get a little special surprise in your Chicken Fried Gravy Boat Sausage Party Meal. I’ll give you a hint, it’s full of protein. OK, i’ll just tell… It’s sperm.
Shakopee City Jail in Shakopee, MN
To be honest I have no idea how I ended up there but the city jail in Shakopee is just fan-fucking-tastic! I’ve never been treated so well in a jail! And I mean treated well by both the police and the other inmates. I’d like to say my week long stint there was like Orange Is The New Black but it was actually more like a Cinemax movie if you know what I mean. I mean it was a sex and drug fueled party that didn’t stop until my editors bailed me out. I would love to go back, but I really don’t think it would be the same. But for someone who’s never experienced it, the trip would be well worth it in he end. And the front!
We’ll kiddies, that is all the time I have for now. I’m getting ready to head out on more adventures. I’m not sure exactly where I’m heading but I do know that Mandingo will be with my and he’s bringing a whole case of KY! It’s going to be a sore time on the old Chocolate Highway tonight! Chao!