Scientists Isolate 'Shifting' Gene

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HOUSTON, TX – Scientists at DNA Research Laboratories in Houston, TX have isolated what they believe to be the gene that causes ‘shifting’ in males. The discovery may lead to treatments and help to prevent the defect in future generations.

Shifting is the uncontrollable urge in males to move ones testicles from one side to the other via the hand or movement of the hips from side to side. This genetic defect is found in 99.87% of all men and manifests itself as early as 5 years of age.

“We have been working on this study for 23 years, and have finally gotten the breakthrough we had hoped for.” said Terry Roman, the premier gene scientist in America. “We have spent over $65 million on this research and to see a light at the end of the tunnel is just too incredible to describe. Originally, I started out trying to isolate the gene that causes testicular cancer, but really, that only affects about 3 million men per year, but this shifting thing affects us all in one way or another, so my decision was an easy one.”

With the discovery, Roman feels that important insight has been given into the mysteries that the male body possesses.

“This is just a spectacular find that will only lead to much more,” Roman said. “We are now trying to find out why certain males shift more than others. Baseball players seem to be the most aggressive shifters, but we are also looking into the idea that they just like to play with themselves because they are all latent homosexuals. But that’s just a personal theory of mine.”

The success of this latest study has prompted the US Department of Health to apportion an additional $125 million to DNA Research Laboratories to isolate the gene that causes women to go to the bathroom together.

Dr. Roman is very excited about the new opportunities that this influx of additional funding has given his corporation.

“Who knows where this will lead from here. I think we have a great shot of isolating the female tandem-urination gene by 2035. I may not see the benefits of my research, but my children and my children’s children will reap the rewards of my hard work and hopefully take it even further.”

When asked if there was hope for isolation of the gene that causes senior citizens to leave the turn signal on in their automobiles, Dr. Roman quipped, “I don’t know if we will ever be that fortunate. But we can dream.”

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