Kids Killed, Tested for "Childhood" Disease

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KETWORTH, PA – In what is being called the worst “Childhood” outbreak in United States’ history, children in Northeastern Pennsylvania are being round up by the thousands, slaughtered and tested for the debilitating disease.

The disease, which effects the central nervous system and brain, causes an infected child to talk gibberish, wet their pants uncontrollably and gives them an aversion to soap and water. Childhood is believed to be the most contagious disease ever recorded, able to spread from child to child simply by being within eyesight.

Since the first case was diagnosed early last month in upstate New York, 25,000 children have been killed and their bodies burned to stop the spread of the disease. Though the efforts have been stepped up in the past few weeks, thousands of cases are being discovered daily.

“Unfortunately this disease has reached plague status in a relatively short amount of time and there is so very little we can do to stop it, let alone contain this horrible affliction. The best that we can hope for is that our proactive stance of immediately destroying the infected kids will help us get this all under control as quickly as possible. To see these children with this, nightmare of a sickness it’s… it’s, god damn it, just wrong,” Wayne Sturrly, Spokesman for the National Health Commission said.

When a child or group of children is suspected to have contracted the disease, a contamination team is sent in to quarantine a five-mile radius around the suspected area. The original suspect that was observed to show signs of the disease is immediately destroyed and brain samples are taken and studied to determine if the child did in fact carry the disease. If the child shows signs of Childhood, then its siblings are destroyed, along with the rest of the children in the five-mile radius. If no sign of the disease shows it self, the children are destroyed anyway, just incase.

“We feel that this is a perfectly necessary step in eliminating the disease,” Sturrly said. “As of now we do not know if the disease can be spread to adults, or at what age the disease stops affecting humans, but we are not gunna take any chances with this one like we did with that whole herpes thing. I mean that one just sucked.”

Some families within the affected areas have lost entire stocks of children. Children between the ages of one month and 16 years of age have been destroyed.

“It’s a damn shame ya know? I mean shit… we lost 4 kids to this disease. Watching your own flesh and blood get their heads cut off and then burned isn’t an easy thing to watch. Christ, little Billy looked fine to me but I guess you just can’t really tell. I guess they have to do what they have to do and the wife and I will start all over… once this mess is all cleaned up,” Pennsylvania resident Stu Chimmers said.

According to research scientists at the University of Maryland, this current outbreak of Childhood is the worst the country has seen in 150 years.

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