Vacation Ready Supreme Court Issues “First Born” Ruling

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a pre-vacation ruling, the Supreme Court of the United States of America has issued one of its most controversial rulings, upholding Comcast’s right to demand customer’s first-born children as payment.

“The last case we review before our vacations… well, we don’t always dedicate the most amount of time and effort to those,” said Chief Justice John Roberts. “Sometimes we just look at it real quick, do paper-rock-scissors if necessary and kick it to our interns to finish up while we get a head start on our buzz. I’m not saying that’s what happened with this one, I don’t really remember because we went to Florida and I got pretty tore up. It was pretty brutal.”

Since the ruling, several of the Supreme Court Justices have stated that they rushed the review of the case because there was a planned Supreme Court “retreat in Miami Beach.”

“After spending so much time on a bunch of the other cases, to make sure we got the decisions correct, we kinda of, and I hate to say this, but we kind of blew this one off. Maybe we shouldn’t have?” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “By the time we got to this last case we were all pretty tired and there was this thing in Miami Beach that we were really excited about, especially Clarence (Thomas) so we just did a real quick read through, voted and then sent it off to our interns to write up the decisions. Yeah, sure, maybe we shouldn’t have done that but Miami Beach was fucking fun. Excuse my French.”

With the Supreme Court’s ruling, Comcast can legally demand that customers pay for cable and internet services with children.

Last year John and Rhonda Klintson sued Comcast after they received a bill that stated the total amount due to the company was “first born child.” The Klintsons won that court case but Comcast countersued, taking the case through the court system and eventually to the Supreme Court.

“They told us that in other countries it is quite common to pay for services with children and they accused us of having our ‘panties in a bunch’ when we started to fight it,” John Klintson said. “It was really weird. I mean yeah, that happens in other countries but even there it’s usually the second or third (children) that are asked for. No one wants to give up the first born. That’s just weird.”

The Klintson are upset with the ruling and annoyed that the Justices didn’t seem to care and were in a rush to “get to Miami Beach for some tits and ass and beers.”

“It seems to me that they didn’t even read the case, because if they had, there is no way they would have passed this thing,” Rhonda Klintson said. “We saw the original decision, and I mean the actual paper that they signed off on, and I swear that there was a margarita stain on it. That tells me that (the Justices) were already drunk when they were looking at this. That’s not right. This is my son we’re talking about here. Sure, maybe if it were our daughter or other son, we might not be fighting this so hard, but this is Peter were talking about. We can’t give him up.”

Despite the favorable ruling, Comcast has yet to announce when they we re-implement the new payment options.

“We were confident that the Supreme Court would rule in our favor,” said a statement released by Comcast. “We will begin accepting children once phase three is ready. Please hold.”


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