SACREMENTO, CA – As the drought continues, the state government of California has issued a number of new laws and policies to conserve water and reduce strain on rivers and aquifers.
“The days of walking out in your front yard, shoving a hose in your rectum, turning on the hose full-blast, and enjoying a three-hour long enema while your neighbor’s children watch is over,” said California Governor, Jerry Brown. “It’s a sad day but this is how things are now. We have to be smarter with our water. So no more three-hour long water enemas in the front yard. We will have to replace that with, I don’t know, maybe a wind enema? Is that a thing? We, as Americans can make it a thing. Also, no more using fresh water fending off Spaniards. For that I would suggest using the dirt.”Several of the new laws impact residents and their daily lives including new laws and restrictions on water use in the bathroom and kitchen.
“We are kinda expanding on the ‘if it’s yellow let it mellow’ thing and updating it to be more like ‘if it’s yellowish-brown with a couple of solid shits let it sit for a bit’,” said California Water Bureau Chief, Jeanie Betroite said. “I know that it might be kind of crass to say that but these are desperate times. We are well past the time of using kids gloves. We need to get right in people’s faces.”
As of next month, California residents will be fined if they take long showers, flush the toilet more than once a day, wash their dishes more than once a week and brush ones teeth more than once a month.
“The teeth one is really important because that is a huge waste of water,” said Betroite. “People always leave the faucet running when they brush their teeth and they waste so many gallons of water each day. And really, you don’t need to brush your teeth that much. Look at me. I haven’t brushed my teeth since I was 12. My parents thought I was but now I can say to them ‘I was doing my part to conserve water.’ So fuck you mom and dad!”
In addition to the new laws, incentives are also being offered to residents if they use outhouses, remove every living thing from their yards, and recycle their own urine.
“For every gallon of urine that a person recycles, the State of California will pay them .37 cents,” said Brown. “Think about it. That could add up to tens of dollars if people really buckle down and recycle. So when you think about it not only are we saving water, we’re jump starting the economy. It’s a win win situation for everyone. And as far as those rumors about use using the piss people recycle to power futuristic spacecraft to fly us rich people to a more inhabitable plant… I have no idea where that idea comes from and it’s definitely probably not true.”
Meteorologists are expecting a wet winter but the state government did not set an expiration date for the new laws.
“We’re going to play this by ear, you know, see how this goes,” Betroite said. “Depending on how things go we may just keep this going forever. Seriously, we could see a boom in the water industry. We’ll have so much water that we can sell the rest of our water rights to Nestle. We’re going to make so much money.”
California residents have begun to reserve themselves to the fact that water is now hard to come by. Many residents are welcoming the new rules hoping that it will mean rich people can continue to have nice lawns, play gold, and swim daily.
“As long as the CEOs and venture capitalists and hedge fund managers can still golf on green grass and have green lawns that they don’t use and nice waterfall pools… that’s what’s important. I can make a gallon of water last a week with my small little family of six as long as rich people don’t have to see dead grass. We all have to make sacrifices and I’ll make mine.”