DOWNER’S GROVE, IL – Early Thursday morning Cal Bowdler, ICG Chief Financial Officer, received a very unnerving phone call from the SEC. His company was being acquired via hostile takeover, and there was nothing neither he, nor the few remaining shareholders of ICG could do to stop it. The suitors turned out to be Josh, 21, and Chad Meyers, 25, two unemployed brothers located in Downer’s Grove, Illinois.
The brother’s held a press conference early Friday morning at the local Winky Dinky Dog, a popular hot dog establishment in Downer’s Grove.
“I think it’s fucking cool that we have our own company man! Our dad said that we were just a couple of losers and would never amount to anything. Kiss my ass dad!” yelled an exuberant Josh Meyers. “Ha, yeah. The funny thing is we got so wasted that we totally forgot that we bought a company until our friend Beanie read it in the newspaper.”
The former sweetheart of the telecommunications industry, Denver, CO based ICG, has fallen on hard times recently. Reports of bankruptcy looming and layoffs by the thousands have sent share prices to less than .00001 per share. It appeared the only thing that could save the company was to sell off unprofitable sectors or find a friendly buyer who could pump much needed capital into ICG.
The company and its shareholders had not considered the possibility of a hostile takeover. According to analysts, the company didn’t appear strong enough on paper to warrant a takeover, so no precautions were taken to throw up the red flags if unusually large numbers of shares were to be snatched up.
When asked how the brothers came to the decision to buy ICG, Chad Meyers was more open.
“We were totally blitzed the other night sitting on dad’s couch in the basement. We had a few beers and smoked a few… ahh, cigarettes. Oh man, I almost got us busted. Anyways, I was rooting around under the cushions looking for some Doritos and found a $50. I said ‘hey dude, we are totally rich!’ Then we thought about what we could do with all that dough and I said, ‘Let’s buy some pizza or stock or something,’” Chad Meyers said. “So we picked out a stock and opened an account on one of those internet cheapy stock trading places, like Dacrack or Datek or something. Then we took a bunch of pop cans to the store and got another $8 and I found like $3 in dad’s car, so we sent it all in and bought as much stock as we could. We picked ICG because I once boned this chick in her ass and made her call me Napoleon. That was sweet! Anyways, her name was Irene Charlotte Green. That was like, ‘Whoa, it’s the same as her initials, ya know?’”
The brother’s initial purchase, minus the $7.95 trading fee, amounted to $53.05, which at the time, netted them over 5.3 million shares of ICG and a 72% stake in the company.
When asked what their first order of business would be, Josh screamed, “Every Thursday is no shirt day for chicks! Also, every day at 4:20 there will be a totally mandatory meeting and relaxation time if you know what I mean. Then we are changing the name of the company to IGC.”
“Yeah, it stands for I Gotta Crap,” Chad said, giving his brother a high five.
ICG and Cal Bowdler could not be reached for comment.