NEW YORK, NY – As the world becomes more and more dangerous, a growing trend is creating a list of “must do”s to be completed before one dies – the list is commonly known as a “bucket list.” These lists have traditionally been created as a person enters their twilight years but the lists are increasing with popularity amongst people of all ages.
Recently Waiting for Death Magazine published its own list of the top things every person on earth should do before dying. Here is Waiting for Death Magazine’s list of the top 10 things to do before you die.
10. Eat a taco
It’s been established for a millennia that tacos are the most delicious food on the planet. No other food offers the same taste sensation that a taco does. Everyone should have a least one taco before they die.
9. Have a date with Gwen Richers
Gwen Richers is just the best. It doesn’t matter if you are a male, female, or transgender – Gwen takes all kinds. She will give you an amazing date and if you pay for dinner there is a strong chance that you will get to show her your junk. It may not go any further than that because Gwen is a classy gal but showing Gwen your junk in-and-of itself is just amazing.
8. Choke a baby swan to death with your bare hands while you look it in the eye and masturbate
An obvious inclusion to this list, there are still a surprising number of people on this planet that have never chocked a baby swan to death while staring it in the eye and masturbating. To those people we say “what are you waiting for?”
7. Listen to Pink Floyd’s Division Bell album while watching The Cell and not masturbate
Pink Floyd albums and movies go hand in hand. Listening to Dark Side of the Moon and watching “Wizard of Oz”may get the most attention, the best Pink Floyd and movie combo is actually Pink Floyd’s 1994 release Division Bell and the movie The Cell. You will not believe how perfectly the two synch up – especially if you eat 17 hallucinogenic mushrooms before the experience. The trick here is to get through the movie without masturbating. While it may be tough at first, just keep trying and you’ll eventually get it.
6. Fart in public library
It may seem crass and childish but farting in a public library is simply one of the most entertaining experiences one can have. It’s also cheap. Libraries are known for being quiet and nothing breaks a silence like an audible fart. It doesn’t matter how loud the fart is, but the louder, and longer, the better.
5. Attend a furry convention
Furries know how to party. You don’t need a furry costume in order to attend the convention but it is strongly encouraged so you can get the full experience. And if you do have a costume the chances of you ending up in an alcohol/drug induced orgy increase.
4. Make a list of things to do before you die
This one is pretty self-explanatory.
3. Put a band together, release a record that becomes popular, tour to support the record, develop substance abuse problems, break up the band, get clean, reconcile with the band, go on a reunion tour, realize you do actually hate the other people in the band, break the band up for good, reconcile with most of the band, go back out for another reunion tour, release a new album with some of the band members, complain about how no one liked the new record, tour but play only the new songs, complain about how people only want to hear the songs you wrote 20 years ago, break up the band again, relapse, get clean, write a tell all book, go on a solo tour, and play Cliff Castle Casino in Camp Verde, Arizona to a mostly empty audience
Don’t be put off by the number of steps in this one – each is pretty easy. And the best part about this list item is that while it will take several years to complete so you can work in several of these other list items as you are working on this one.
2. See the sun set from a partially blacked out basement window of a house owned by a man who just kidnapped you and chained you to a water heater
Sun sets are some of nature’s most stunning displays. And seeing the sun set while chained up in the basement of some crazy person who just kidnapped you, not knowing if it’s the last sunset you’ll ever see, makes the experience of this particular sunset one of the most moving experiences of a lifetime.
1. Read the March 1999 issue of Maxim magazine
Maxim magazine isn’t the best magazine published in the last 80 years but this particular issue stands as one of the best, most complete and important pieces of reporting, art and entertainment created by human beings. The article about how the amount of gel in a man’s hair directly relates to his chances of having sex is a crowning achievement in human language. Also, you can masturbate to most of the pictures in the magazine, possibly while choking a baby swan to death.