MIDDLETON, WI – Local man Jesse Guentert has told his friends that he will try to drink only a small amount of alcohol at their New Year’s Eve party.
“I told Kate and Ben (Boser) that I will try to not get too fucked up at their New Year’s party,” said Guentert. “Last year shit got a little crazy. Actually, shit got real crazy. Some things were done that cannot be undone. Some things were said that cannot be unsaid. This year I’ll tone it down. I don’t want to not get invited because I get crazy every year. Kate and Ben are good peeps and I dig their party. Also, Sasha will be there and I can’t get with her if I am too trashed to walk. And I really want to get a piece of that ass.”
Kate and Ben Boser were reluctant to invite Guentert but they were swayed by Guentert’s apparent sincerity.
“Last year was a fucking disaster,” said Kate Boser. “I told Ben not to invite him but then (Guentert) called and… I guess I feel sorry for him. So I said he could come. Last year was crazy but (Guentert) he promised to only get a little buzzed this year. He generally keeps his promises but if he throws up on my cat again I’m calling the police. I’m serious, fool me once shame on you, fool me seven times, shame on me.”
Guentert said he has a plan to help ensure he does not get too drunk at the party.
“I bought this alarm thing that goes off every 20 minutes,” said Guentert. “The plan is that I can only drink when the alarm goes off. That should make sure I don’t get too drunk. And instead of the hard stuff I’ll just drink beer. Maybe Coors since it’s pretty much just like drinking water. If I stick to that plan I shouldn’t get too fucked up. If I don’t get too fucked up I’m pretty much guaranteed to at least get a handy from Sasha. More if I can control myself. But definitely a handy.”
During last year’s New Year’s Eve party Guentert drank a full bottle of Goldschlager by himself and was drunk by 9 pm. By midnight, Guentert had told several other party goers that he would kick their ass, stripped down to his undershirt and underwear, defecated in the fish tank, called his ex-girlfriend 23 times, cried while hugging a picture of a child, and vomited on 17 objects in the Boser household, including the aforementioned cat.
Guentert’s actions at last year’s New Year’s Eve party were captured on various cell phones and uploaded to popular social media websites.
“I may or may not have defecated in the fish tank,” said Guentert. “I didn’t see video of me doing that so it may not have been me. Yes, there was poop in the fish tank and a couple people saw me over by the fish tank but no one saw me do it and there is no proof so… maybe it wasn’t me. Maybe if was Ben. He hates those fucking fish. Seriously, he’s told me on several occasions that he wants to get rid of them but for some reason Kate won’t let him. So yeah, it’s probably just a convenient excuse to blame me for it. But that won’t happen this year. The only time my pants will be down is when Sasha is giving me a handy in the corner by the fish tank.”