SPRINGFIELD, KY – The gypsy behind Donald Trumps continued political success has been located and captured by Federal agents.
“We can proudly say that this nightmare that we’ve been living the last several months is almost at an end,” said FBI Special Agent, Carmine Caruso. “After months of following leads and convincing other gypsies to help out, we were finally able to track our suspect down, make an arrest and hopefully make the world a better place by waking people up to reality.”
Early last year, an old gypsy woman named Zelda Odobassir cursed the people of the United States of America with a curse that resulted in a “nightmare come to real life.” According to reports, Odobassir made the curse after becoming irritated when she only received five Chicken McNuggets instead of the six she ordered during a meal at McDonald’s.
“America and McDonald’s did this, not me,” Odobassir said. “Had (McDonald’s) given me all of my nuggets, I would have left well enough alone. But no, they tried to gyp me. If two nuggets are fused together, that only counts as one nugget! Not two. They’ll learn. They’ll all learn. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”
Odobassir’s curse ultimately led to Donald Trump’s becoming the Republican front runner for nominee for President of the United States of America.
“Like most curses, there are a certain number of people that are just naturally immune to the effects,” said Gypsy curse specialist, Jeremiah Goode. “Luckily, those of us who did not become entranced (by Odobassir’s curse) were able to quickly convince the authorities and bring this to a quick end. Jesus, can you imagine what would have happened if this was one of those curses that effected everyone? President Trump? Fuck that. That’s all I can say about that.”
With Odobassir now in custody Federal officials hope Odobassir can be persuaded to end the curse.
“We’ve been working with (Odobassir) about rectifying the situation so that she feels comfortable breaking the curse,” Caruso said. “First thing we did was giver her a 20 piece McNugget, completely free. And that was just the first step. That really was just a sign of good faith. (Odobassir) has her list of demands that we are working through, and it is a rather long list, but we feel that we can come to terms sooner rather than later. I can tell you, though, we’re having a hell of a time getting eye of newt. The ones we come up with never seem to be good enough. We’re close though. Real close. Maybe by the time this is published we’ll be done with all this. I hope. Jesus, I hope.”
Trump, who insists he is unaware of Odobassir’s curse released a statement however, the curse does in fact appear to be lifted because no one cares what the statement says.