MANCHESTER, NH –William “Dow” Jones announced that he is coming out of a month’s long depression and plans to “get really, really high” soon.
“It was a rough winter man,” said Jones. “Like… I just feel down. Way down. I’d try to get all excited about stuff but then I’ll see or hear something that will bum me out and I’ll just crash again. You know, man? It’s just… like… fucked right now you know. Like… everything. But I’m totally an optimist and my friend DJ NSDQ and I are gonna go to Denver in a couple weeks, buy some legal weed, watch that new Deadpool movie again and get really, really high. Hehehehe. Man. A high Dow Jones is a happy Dow Jones. You know? Hehe. Man. What?”
Jones says his depression was mostly due to stories of war and suffering that he heard while listening to NPR.
“The stuff going on in the Middle East… man. Did you know that place is just fucked up?” said Jones. “There’s like 100 million wars going on over there and… like, people are trying to get out of there and like kill other people, other countries are being dicks about the whole thing. Man. It’s fucked up. It’s hard to be up and happy when you hear shit like that you know. So yeah, I start to slide down, you know? And gas prices… it’s cool that they are low and stuff but I heard on NPR that the low prices are fucking up people in, like North Dakota and even in, like Iran. Just a bummer. But I’m gonna go to Denver, get some legal weed and get high. Man, you guys won’t believe how high I’m gonna get. You’ll all be like ‘holy shit! I’ve never seen Dow jones so fuckin’ high and shit.’ It’s gonna be tits!”
Those closest to Jones have been concerned after Jones’ health since late last year as Jones frequently reported being “down,” “low,” and on at least one occasion “on a downward spiral.”
“I was really worried about him for a bit there,” said Jones’ friend S.P. Cincomil. “He really has us all worried. I mean he hit some amazing highs, right after he came back from Washington, but man, that dude crashed hard. I’m talking Princess Diana hard. Too soon? I mean it’s been like 19 years years, she should be fair game now, right? I mean, it’s not like I said (Jones) lost his shit much like Princess Diana did in that Paris tunnel. If I had said something like that, then maybe it would have been wrong. But man, I’m so fucking high right now. What were we talking about?”
Jones said that while he is still feeling slightly depressed by stories he hears on NPR, he’s recently been hearing stories that give him hope that his desire to get really high will not be short lived.
“Did you hear that story about that guy that did that thing?” Jones said. “I don’t remember what it was exactly because I was tripping balls on this shit that Cinco gave me, but it was really awesome. I think it was about advances in some new energy technology or maybe Apple was gonna make a new phone or some shit. Actually, it might have just been about how, like… Leo Dicaprio fucking up a bear or something. I think the bear was a rapist. I don’t know, but it made me feel good, even if it was only for a minute.”