LOS ANGELES, CA – The newest food craze to sweep the southern California coast is called cutenism which limits diets to eating only animals which are generally regarded as cute.
“Here in SoCal we are cutting edge. We lead the country in new and exciting dietary restrictions,” said nutritionist Gail Lowell. “The gluten-free diet is so two years ago. People want a new dietary restriction that they can use as an excuse. So a bunch of us nutritionist got together and asked ourselves ‘What would people eat that might make them think that makes them feel sick?’ The answer was pretty obvious once someone said it – ugly animals. Eating ugly animals makes some people with a specific genetic makeup sick so they should not eat ugly animals.”
People who follow the cutenism diet can eat most baby animals, bunnies, pandas, koalas and otters. Cutenisms cannot eat pigs, cows, chickens, turkey, and most fish.
“It’s not that adult cows and pigs are ugly, it’s just that they aren’t cute so they are out of the diet,” said nutritionist Gabriel Shinto. “But turkeys are ugly. So we shouldn’t eat them. Conversely, almost all baby animals are cute as hell so if you are a cutenismist, you can eat just about any baby animal including baby cows and baby pigs. I know it sounds hard to remember all the rules but if you just look at a picture of what you are about to eat and if you go ‘awwwww’ then go ahead and eat it.”
Cutenisms say the new diet is working and say they have seen a sharp increase in how healthy they feel and how special they feel.
“Being cutinamarian has been great for me,” said cutenismist Wanda McKinney. “I feel really healthy and I don’t feel ugly; I feel cute. And it also makes me feel special and superior to everyone else because I have to eat baby animals while everyone else shoves ugly, fat animals in to their mouths. Think about what you eat sheeple! Wake up! Ugly animals are killing you. Probably.”
As cutenism grows in popularity, several new restaurants are popping up in the greater Los Angeles area specializing in serving only cute animals.
“This new trend has really opened up a new culinary world,” said Adam Born, Executive Chef at the newly opened cutenism restaurant Adorbs. “I’ve been a chef for 17 years and I would have never thought to serve otter. But holy duck is that shit good. Right now we’ve got a dish composed of otter confit that is placed on a bed of seared otter foie gras. Throw in a nice little salad of frisee, blood oranges and our house made otter bacon vinaigrette. I gotta tell you, it’s otterly irresistible. Sorry for the bad pun, but seriously, it’s like eating heaven.”
While many people have jumped on the cutenism bandwagon, many see this as just another fad diet that will soon go away.
“You see this type of thing happen all the time,” said dietician Seth Lovelace. “Where are the Adkins people now? Where are the South Beach Diet people? This is just something for someone to say they are doing to impress other people. That’s all it is. And the people who are all cutenism today are going to be on the next one that comes along. Like, I don’t know, what if you eat strong animals like a gorilla you’ll get stronger faster. You know, that’s not a half bad idea. I call dibs on that. You recorded that right? I need to have proof that I came up with that idea.”