BOSTON, MA – Researchers from the biology department of Boston College have released the results of an exhaustive experiment on the effect marijuana has on the human body and mind. The experiment, conducted from May 1994 to December 2000, was the largest such experiment of its kind, and the results have the conductors very excited.
“The results that we got completely blew us out of the water,” said department chair, James Dempster. “Not only did we find that marijuana, or as it is more commonly know, happy grass, causes severe hunger, we also discovered that what is commonly referred to as ‘the best time to get high,’ 4:20, is not really the best time to get ‘high.’ That simple fact alone is enough to turn every marijuana user’s life upside down.”
During the course of the experiment, individuals were given large amounts of marijuana and observed as they smoked 12 times a day at various intervals over 2 year period. The subjects showed that the “high” was no greater at 4:20 than at 5:20. But when the 4:20 myth was proven false, researchers decided to find out if there really was a best time to get “high.”
“We thought it was odd that the subjects weren’t especially ‘high’ at 4:20,” Dempster said. “The big surprise though came when we discovered not one, but two different times of the day that give a better ‘high’ than 4:20.”
The times, 1:47:23 p.m. EST. and 9:52:48 to 9:53:57 a.m. EST, are said to produce almost euphoric “highs” that is said to “cripple the body in a way that is reminiscent of the severe beating the Prussians took at the hands of Napoleon.”
While this would appear to be good news for the millions of marijuana users in the world, many are calling the experiment “stupid” and “lies perpetrated by the man.”
“Man, they took away 4:20,” said Justin Bates, a BC student. “Man, this sucks. Really bad. I mean, what the hell am I gunna do after my physics class, fuck? Man, the only reason the bitches came to see the J-Dawg was ‘cus I was always the blunt connection at 4:20. Now that little fag down the hall is all about the 1:47:23 p.m.. Fuckin’ weed whores.”
While the discovery of the new “best times to get high” will not affect the majority of Americans, college campuses across the nation are making plans to accommodate the new schedule.
“The main thing we are doing is rescheduling classes around the times. The last thing we want is students ditching classes because they cut across 1:47:23 and 9:52:48. We will also be building a giant clock in the middle of the Commons for all the students to set their watches too. The clock will be 100% accurate,” Kent Branston, BC President said.