Pharmaceutical Company Raises Meth Prices 300%

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CHARLESTON, WV – Citizens of Charleston are outraged as the local manufactures of Methamphetamine have raised the price of meth 300%.

“It’s fucked up man! Fucked,” said meth user, Eddy Preprate. “I told them. I told them they can’t do this. I need the shit. I have to steal 100 more things in order to get my shit now. That’s fucked. I haveta steal shit two or three times now. Shit. Fuck! What? I told. I told told told them I told them. Fuck!”

The price of Methamphetamine, or meth, was raised by Globo-Chem who recently purchased the meth production facilities in and around Charleston from a local drug dealer names KrystalKing.

“(Globo-Chem) came in and bought up alla KrystalKing’s meth labs and now they have a monotony in this town. That ain’t right,” said meth user Carol Stevens. “We all need meth here. So for thems to come in here and then make us pay more is wrong. Shit! I need that stuff to make it through. I need the shit. Raisin’ prices is wrong. The cops should do somethin’ about that. It ain’t legal what they doin’. KrystalKing was an asshole but at least I only had to suck his dick every once in a while if I didn’t have cash. Now I gots to suck Globo-Chem’s dick alla time and they still won’t give me none. And that sucks.”

Many Charleston residents rely on meth in order to make it through the day and “feel alive.” Without meth, residents fear they may soon realize they live in West Virginia.

“If I don’t have meth I’d… you see that? What the fuck was that? Did you call the cops?” said Preprate. “Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck you! Do you have any meth on you? Give me your wallet. Come on, man. This is bullshit!”

Globo-Chem CEO, Christian Melheiser, says the price increase is necessary to ensure a profit and ensure research and development can continue.

“We are in the meth business to make money and help people. But mostly to make money,” said Melheiser. “We made a considerable investment by purchasing all of Mr. KrystalKing’s labs and we owe it to our shareholders to get a return on that investment as quickly as possible. In addition to that we need to be able to fund our R&D departments so we can make new, better meth that we can provide to the community. We believe, with all that said, the price we are charging for meth is appropriate.”
Despite outcry from many in the meth using community, some see the price increase as a positive move as long as it results in better, stronger meth.

“You know, this is only really going to help us all out,” said meth user, Cory Ducks. “I mean, sure we have to pay a little more for our meth, but (Globo-Chem) is going to use that money to make more, and better meth. That means that eventually, shit is going to be cheap again and we’ll all be happy. If I have to steal a few more car radios a day to get better meth, hell, I’m all for it. Hey, speaking of making some money, I’ll suck yo dick for five bucks.”

In a related move, Glob-Chem has also notified the Federal Trade Commission that they have put in a bid to purchase all of Jerry “Black Tar” Kassan’s heroin processing centers in and around Charleston.

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