WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senate Republicans are trying to push through a new heath care bill that was written earlier today on a bar napkin.
The new plan, written by Senator Johnny Isakson (R-GA), is said by other Republican Senators to be the best solution to the worsening heath care problems.
“It’s going to be great if we can get this thing through the Senate and then the House. I think that’s how it works, right? It goes to the House if we pass it? I can’t remember,” said Marco Rubio (R-FL). “But the new healthcare bill, I mean I haven’t seen it yet, but come on, it has to be better than Obamacare. A band-aid would be better than that piece of shit program. Health care for everyone? That’s communism! Probably. This is America, not Canada.”
Although few have seen the napkin, House Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-KY), says the bill does everything Trump promised, everything the Republicans have promised, and everything every tax payer wants
“All I can and will say about this plan is that it’s brilliant,” McConnell said. “It’s short, it’s sweet, and it’s what this country needs. If we would have had this plan a few months ago the Republican party wouldn’t be a laughing stock and people wouldn’t be talking about how President Trump is basically a eunuch who couldn’t find his dick if his hand was already touching it. But now, now that we have this, this napkin. People will realize that (Trump) is a eunuch that knows exactly where his dick is.”
A few hours ago McConnell showed the napkin to a handful of other Republican senators during a private meeting. Although press were not allowed in the meeting, laughter as well as shouts of “yeah, fuck those guys too” and “Now make the boobs bigger. Yeah!” were heard coming from the room.
Several Republican Senators said they would likely vote for the napkin even though they have not seen it.
“You know, I’ve got a good feeling about this one,” said Senator Cory Gardner (R-CO). “It’s supposedly got everything that we’ve always wanted in it. It screws the poor and it lines our pockets. So hell yeah, I’m all for it. Fuck those poor idiots. If they wanted good health care they shouldn’t be poor. Maybe people will finally realize that.”
The Senate is expected to vote in the next few days and it’s unclear if the vote will be conducted against the napkin or if the contents of the napkin will be transferred to an actual bill.
“That’s a debate that we’ve been having for the last couple of hours,” McConnell said. “We could write up the proposal officially, but it would take away from the charm of the napkin. And to be fair, the napkin does cover everything that we need, so really, rewriting it would just take away time from all the important things that we’re doing right now. Like… um, we’re very busy, so it wouldn’t make sense to rewrite it.”
Democrats were asked for comment but The Scoop News was unable to hear the mumbling and whispering sounds made by Democratic Senators.