HOLLYWOOD, CA – The new installment of the Star Wars franchise, Episode VIII, ‘The Last Jedi,’ is still several months away from hitting theaters but rumors about the plot have started hitting the internet. The Scoop News has gathered a list of eight sensational rumors that are likely to be true.
Snoke will turn out to be Goofy
Looking to further integrate the Star Wars universe into the Disney universe, it will be revealed that the evil mastermind Snoke is actually Goofy. While Goofy/Snoke’s motive remains unclear, the rumor is that Goofy was almost killed by a young Yoda over a disagreement about the best way to utilize Toodles for “alternate pleasures.”
The film will feature a 45-minute sex scene between four characters
There are multiple rumors, from multiple “reliable” sources that indicate there will be a very long, very graphic sex scene involving four Star Was characters. The rumors have not revealed who will be involved in this sex scene but it’s likely to feature at least one droid. It is speculated that the scene will be most of the second act.
Rey is the daughter of Jar Jar and Wicket
This one may seem like it’s coming out of left field but think about it for a second. Jar Jar wore clothes, and Wicket used a long staff. Rey wears clothes and uses a long staff. The truth was in front of us the entire time.
Han Solo isn’t dead but on a quest to find the Lost Temple of Doom
Despite his apparent death at the hands of his son, Han Solo will return in The Last Jedi. It will be revealed that Han was sent on a secret quest to find a rare artifact from the Temple of Doom. Tensions will rise when Han returns and Chewbacca gets jealous over Han’s new sidekick, Short Round.
The last Jedi is Salacious Crumb
Star Wars fans have long held the belief that Jaba the Hutt’s favorite pet would have escaped the explosion of the sail barge. Perhaps the experience turned the small, gremlin like creature to the light side of the force. We will find out soon.
*During an epic space battle scene a Resistance pilot will say “Holy fucking shit. That god damned mother fucking shitbag almost fucked my shit in the cunt.” *
Recent years have seen R-rated super hero films dominate at the box office and Disney is hoping to pull in a least a little bit of that magic by having a pilot say some bad words. It’s not clear which pilot says the line but even money is on Porkins.
The rock band Foreigner will soundtrack a training montage
Training montages have long been a tradition in American film and “The Last Jedi” is no exception. But breaking from Star Wars tradition, there will be a short training montage featuring Rey and Luke Skywalker, set to Forigner’s “Juke Box Hero” rather than to John Williams score.
For most of the film, Kylo Ren sits alone in his room writing poetry and listening to The Smiths
Since production began, cast and crew have been saying “The Last Jedi” is a much darker film than “The Force Awakens.” Perhaps no one will embody that darkness more than Kylo Ren who will spend almost the entire film depressed and in his room. He will smoke, curse, write poetry about death, and listen to The Smiths and The Cure. There may or may not be a scene where he cuts himself with his own lightsaber, “so that he can finally feel something.”