WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump has forgotten the code to his briefcase but refuses to admit it to White House staff members.
“I know the combination. I know all the combinations to everything. I am the best at remembering combinations. Everyone thinks so,” said Trump. “There is absolutely nothing going on here, it’s all fake news. All those media outlets, they think they can just make up stuff about me that’s not true and then report as fact. But let me tell you, as the greatest President ever with the highest approval rating ever, I know what the code to my briefcase is. It’s the best combo ever. So easy to remember.”
Trump has been seen trying to open the briefcase several times with no success. White House staffers have asked if Trump needs a help opening the briefcase but Trump maintains that he knows the code and doesn’t need help.
“Pretty much anytime anyone walks into the oval office, he’s trying to pry open the lock,” said White House Staffer, Robert Jerome. “But when someone does walk in, he pretends that he just closed it, despite the fact that it was very obviously not open. Last week I saw him with a steak knife trying to jam it into the briefcase to open it. I’m not even sure where he got a steak knife because he doesn’t use one – his wife has to cut up his steak for him because he doesn’t know how to use a steak knife.”
The briefcase has been sitting on Trump’s desk for several weeks and when asked about it Trump says “I get in there all the time. I got in there today to get the import things that are in there. Very important. My innugatation was the biggest ever.”
It’s unclear what is in the briefcase but White House staffers have noticed increasing amounts of damage to the briefcase that may be a result from Trump’s attempts to open it without the code.
“There are cuts on top, there are burns on the side, he’s really giving it a good go at getting that thing open,” said head of Trumps Secret Service team, Sonny Worken. “Him being so stupid actually makes it kinda cute. I mean it’s like watching a baby try to open something. They know it’s supposed to open, but for the life of them they just can’t figure it out. Trump is like that baby. Mostly because they are operating on the same intellectual level. And no, I’m not worried about him understanding that last sentence and getting mad at me for it.”
If Trump is unable to open the briefcase by the end of the week, White House staffers say they will replace the briefcase with an identical one with no lock.
“Fortunately (Trump) is easily distracted so in order to switch the cases we just have to point out the window and say ‘is that James Dean’ and he’ll stare out the window until he sees James Dean,” said Jerome. “Then we’ll just switch out the briefcase with one that doesn’t have a code and then work on getting the old one open. I’m not too worried about Trump finding out that we switched the briefcases because, as we’ve said, he is a dumb, dumb man and won’t know the difference. We could honestly replace the briefcase with a cat and he wouldn’t’ have any idea. But then he would try to open the cat and well, let’s just say we’ve made that mistake before.”