WASHINGTON, DC – With months of debate and crisis behind him, President George W. Bush unveiled his energy plan, which he says “will serve imminent relief to people and their stuff.” The plan is controversial and as anticipated, democrats in the house and senate are already lining up against the bill.
The plan, which involves several key steps before it can be implemented, is based on the Flinstone Theory of Dynamic Turbine. This theory states that if a giant sized gerbil or similar rodent were to run around fast enough in an equally giant wheel, enough power could be generated to light a small city. Additionally, the bigger the rodent and the more rodents working in unison, the more power potential the system has.
“I was watching TV last Saturday morning and the idea just came to me. I don’t know why anyone hasn’t thought to this yet, especially our so called ‘Science Guys,’” President Bush said. “America shouldn’t have to go a single minute without power. That’s just un-American. And we cannot take that sitting down. We have to fight the non-power issue and we have to do it with my plan.”
The Flinstone theory is derived from the popular cartoon show “The Flintstones” in which power was generated by dinosaurs and other creatures running in wheels.
“We know by watching ‘The Flinstones’ that this is a viable solution to America’s energy needs. We have all seen that this plan works. Hell, it’s been on TV for over 30 years now. It just makes me irritated that no one up till now has brought this plan to the table. But here’s the plan, and there’s the table, so lets get our guys moving on it,” Bush said. “Someone call up N.A.S.A. and get us a gerbil. One that doesn’t have any mutant powers.”
Democrats have thus far been quick to point out that giant gerbils do not yet exist and in order to power the town of Los Angeles, the gerbil would need to be 72,900 feet tall. The current average height for a gerbil is 5 inches.
“This plan is just so unfeasible that it is absolutely incredulous,” said Senate Majority leader Tom Daschel. “I mean look at it this way. The first thing we would need to do is genetically engineer a type of super rodent that not only would be big enough to power a city, but it would need to have super endurance to continue running 24 hours a day. The only way around that would be to have multiple rodents running around at different times of the day. We would not be able to control one of these giant killing machines, let alone a whole army. And can you imagine what would happen if these super gerbils got in the wrong hands? What if these rodents realized they were bigger than us? I’m not sure we could defend ourselves if they attacked. If they did, I’m sure we could see a dramatic decrease in the world’s homosexual population. That’s probably who the rodents will strike first.”
Scientists at Boston University have already begun the process of genetically engineering a super sized rodent. The team hopes to have made significant progress by the month’s end with a complete giant gerbil ready for testing in late November.
“Our schedule is ambitious but if the bill passes, this is something we will need to implement as soon as possible so we need to make sure we are ready. The only problem we have thus far is that as the gerbils get bigger, their thirst for human blood and human flesh increases exponentially. But we’ll deal with that after we get one big enough,” Scientist Jeremy Yowell said.
The new energy bill is headed for the House of Representatives and a vote is expected later this month. If the bill passes it will go into the Senate where it is likely to face its most difficult obstacles.