WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump announced that he is planning on staying awake on Christmas Eve in order to confront Santa Claus.
“I am going to stay up, I’m very good at staying up, maybe the best, some people say that I’m the best they’ve ever seen at staying up, like the Russians, they are good at staying up and I’m good like that too, at staying up. I can stay up late when I want to stay up late,” said Trump. “I want to talk to Santa (Claus) and ask him about my presents. I get the best presents. Great presents. But Santa has been not giving good presents… to me… I get really great presents ok? In Canada they don’t get presents. I… great presents. But Santa, he gave me a piece of coal, and coal is very important. I got a piece of coal for the last 50 years from Santa, who I like but, he needs to give good presents. Coal is great and we need to use more coal. I wanted a bike. Santa never gave me a bike.”
Trump made the announcement during a press conference on the pending tax reform bill.
“Trump was supposed to stay focused on the subject, talk about tax cuts for mega-rich people that we need to get done, and he starts spouting off about Santa,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “We all know that Trump is a dumb, dumb man and that he is going to spin off on whatever dumbshit idea that pops in to his head but… going after Santa? What the fuck? I mean I know he’s a foreigner, but he’s one of the good type of foreigners. ”
White House staffers confirm they have been instructed to wake Trump on Christmas Eve in the event that he falls asleep.
“We got this one guy, his name is Mike, and his sole job on Christmas eve is to, in the event that (Trump) falls asleep, Mike will blast an airhorn to wake the president up,” said head of the Secret Service, Frank Garmin. “Mike is a pretty good guy. We’re going pump him up with all kinds of energy drinks, Mike Pence has his own blend of Red Bull, Monster and Rockstar that he claims will ‘keep a person up till August.’ But yeah, Mike is going to have a long night.”
In past speeches Trump has made comments suggesting he is unhappy with the gifts he has received from Claus over the years.
“I’m the best person in the world, you can ask anyone,” Trump said. “But over the last 59 years, I’ve been getting the same present for Christmas. Coal is good. Make America Great Again. And yes, we’re putting Christmas back into Christmas. No more Merry Holidays. It’s Christmas, and only Christmas. But I’m the smartest president in the world. Santa called me to tell me that I’m the number one person on the Nice list, but he wanted to interview me so I told him no. It’s true, they said it on Fox News.”
Claus has not responded to requests for an interview but did supply a written statement.
“Fuck Trump,” stated Claus.