HOLLYWOOD, CA – Hoping to win back white, male Star Wars fans, Disney is releasing a new edit of The Last Jedi with all non-white, male characters removed.
“We’ve heard it loud and clear from some of our Star Wars fans, the white male Star Wars fans, that they don’t want to see or even hear anything that remotely challenges their extremely narrow world view,”said The Last Jedi producer, Kathleen Kennedy. “These people, and I use that term in the loosest possible sense, are barely able to deal with life and lash out at anything that doesn’t look like what they see in the mirror. And these days that is a lot. But anyway, we really like money so we will give these idiots what they want and then take their money.”
The new edit of the film will be 25 minutes long and will feature only scenes featuring First Order characters and space battles.
“It turns out nearly every character in The Last Jedi isn’t a white male,” said The Last Jedi reeditor, James Steinhope. “Well, except for the bad guys. Hmmm. Now that I think about it maybe there is something there. Oh well, it’s not like those idiots will get it. Ha ha. Anyway, when we took out all the women, space aliens, and non-white people we were left with about 25 minutes of random space fights and a whole bunch of Kylo Ren, General Hux, and Snoke scenes.”
Disney and The Last Jedi filmmakers faced criticism and negative reviews from thousands of white males for the film’s diverse cast and challenging themes.
“Those people people behind the new Star Wars movie took everything from my childhood and ruined it,” said white male Doug Reynolds. “I hated what they did with the characters I grew up with – they made Luke an old man that just complained the whole time and wasn’t a bad ass at all! And the women in the movie, they weren’t just there for me to fantasize about. They were important and strong and that’s not what I want in women! The whole movie was about that dumb girl or that dumb pilot or that dumb black guy and his Asian girlfriend. I’m not racists but… I can’t get an erection anymore.”
White males have been increasingly vocal about criticism of all things that are not made for, star, or include only white males.
“I am just so angry about everything because white men are being persecuted like crazy in America right now,” said white male, John Johnson. “You have no idea how hard it is to be a white male in America now. I can’t be racist. I can’t be a mysog..oh..um.. I can’t hate women. I can’t hate muslims. I can’t say Merry Christmas. I’m just so angry! And I’m angry because… I… uh… can’t get an erection.”
A Disney spokesperson said future while male targeted edits of films may be considered depending on the success of The Last Jedi edit.
“We’ll see how this goes. If those little white idiots who are afraid of life spend a ton of money on this edit of the film we might consider doing more of these,” said Disney Executive, Rachael Yumen. “But if those idiots don’t spend a ton of money on this edit of the film we aren’t gonna do shit for them ever again.”
Many Hollywood studio have refused to cater to white men.
“Yeah, we saw Disney was doing that but you know what? Fuck white men,” said Warner Brothers Executive, Ahmet Estrephy. “White men can pretty much all go and fuck themselves. Except Bernie (Sanders).”