HEAVEN – In a statement to the human race, god apologized for an error in his creation model that generated a higher percentage of male creeps than god had intended.
“It appears I made an error, a typo if you will, in my algorithm for generating male creeps,” stated god in a press release. “Oops. I never meant for this high a percentage of male creeps and I didn’t realize I had made a mistake until recently when all of a sudden I started seeing so many stories about so many men treating women horribly. My bad.”
God stated that he initially intended for 9% of males to be creeps instead of the current 90%.
“The percentage of males who are creeps should never have been more than 10% but it looks like I had added an extra zero to my percentage so instead of 9% of males being creeps, 90% of males are creeps,” stated god. “It was an honest mistake and typos happen. Sorry to all the women. I’ll make it up to you soon.”
The recent world-wide movement of women coming forward to describe harassment and assault at the hands of males forced god to examine his creation model.
“God had been hearing rumors that most men were pieces of shit, creeps if you will, for a real real long time but he just dismissed it all because it was just rumors,” said friend of god, Kirk Mangold. “But then a bunch of women that he actually respects came forward with stories about men who had treated them like shit, like objects, like less than human and god started to wonder if maybe he screwed something up. It probably… no, it definitely took him a lot longer to look at his stuff than it should have, but god is a busy dude. And he’ll fix it. Maybe.”
Moving forward, god says he will correct the error so that the number of male creeps will be only 9% in future generations.
“I’ve fixed the code so the correct number of creeps will be created from now on,” stated god. “I’ll look over my other create models and make sure things are correct as well. I have a sneaky suspicion that I might be off in the percentage of people who say they are Christian and those that are actually Christian. But I’ll see.”
The large number of creeps is not the only mistake recently discovered in god’s creation model.
“We all know god messed up in his IQ baseline and the number of spiders,” said Mangold. “We try to cut the guy some slack but I think, we all probably think that maybe he should pay a little better attention. And I’m saying that as his buddy.”