Anderson Cooper 360 Host, Panelists Stuck in Infinite Loop


WASHINGTON, D.C. – Panelists and the host of Anderson Cooper 360 on CNN are stuck in an infinite loop as show producers scramble to get the program back on track.

The panelist, Republicans Jason Miller and Alice Stewart, political correspondents Tara Setmayer Jeffrey Toobin, and host Anderson Cooper were debating recent decisions regarding trade tariffs made by President Trump when the loop began.

“It’s really kind of freaky to watch,” said the show’s producer Martin Christian. “(Miller) just keep saying the same comment over and over, to which (Toobin) started responding to angrily, (Stewart) starts to yell and then (Cooper) tries to calm everyone down. If I didn’t know any better I’d think that we were in an episode of TheTwilight Zone. Or maybe Thanos is using the Time gem and keeps rewinding time for his own amusement.”

Since the loop initially began, Miller has been repeating “The President is doing everything right and Hillary Clinton is in a secret dark web conspiracy out to destroy the president and fill America with terrorists and fake news and Russia is great.”

“It’s weird, because at first, everyone thought that he was just saying the same thing over and over again, you know, like a mantra” said CNN’s lead political analyst Reed Stark. “It’s kinda like a hostage thing. If you keep telling yourself that you’ll make it out alive, eventually you’ll start to believe it. Only in this case no matter how many times you say it, you’re still going to end up fucked in the ear hole by some dude named Barnaby.”

The loop has continued uninterrupted for 17 hours, well past the scheduled conclusion of the Anderson Cooper 360 program.

“I thought it was kind of weird, but anymore that’s all these news shows are,” said CNN camera man Ken Juhn. “After about six hours I thought something might be up. Then after 15 hours I was pretty sure that something wasn’t right. But then at the 16 hour mark I began to wonder if it was some kind of Avant-garde comedy bit that they were doing. Then at the 17 hour mark, I definitely thought that they were stuck in a loop.”

To break the loop producers tried contacting Cooper through his earpiece but Cooper was unresponsive.

“We tried everything to get them to stop,” said Christian. “We offered coffee. Nothing. We offered whiskey. Nothing. We offered a 14 oz. Steak. Nothing. Hell, we even offered him one of Kevin Spacy’s cast offs. Nothing. I thought for sure he would have gone for that steak, but nope, (Cooper) has an iron will.”

Additional attempts to break the panelists out of the loop included splashing each with water, slapping them and removing them from the room.

If producers are unable to break the panelists out of the loop soon, they say they will be forced to try more desperate measures.

“I’ve got a few aces in my hand, but I really only want to pull them out if we can’t figure out another way to end this,” said Christian. “I won’t go into details but it involves a lumberjack, and can of aerosol cheese and 32 llamas. If that doesn’t work, nothing will. But like I said, I want to keep that in my pocket to use if something else happens.”

Anderson Cooper 360 viewers mostly remained unaware of the unending discussion loop.


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