WASHINGTON, DC – During a joint press conference with the President of Argentina, Mauricio Macri, President Trump said he would like to open negotiations with the fictional country of Mordor.
Although Mordor is a fictional land from the popular book series Lord of the Rings, Trump said that he would be reaching out to the country’s leader to set up some “face-to-face time.”
“I think it’s time that we start dealing with Mordor. No one has ever reached out to Mordor. But I will,” Trump said. “Mordor. Mor. Dor. They’re a really good, hardworking people. People that I like to see. They get in there… they do their work, they don’t complain. You never see a Mordor person whining about putting babies in cages. And that Sauron guy, he’s just like me. Well, he wishes he was like me! He’s trying to make Mordor great again. So I think it’s time that we talk to them. No other president has ever talked to Mordor. I’ll be the first. Did you know that I have the highest approval rating that’s ever been recorded of any leader in history? They had to make up a new number just to calculate my approval rating. Everyone out there loves me, except those Crooked Hillary people. But who cares about them? Hillary. Hill. Ary. Hillary. Hillary Clinton. Hillary. Hill…”
Instead of discussing trade talks between the United States and Argentina during the press conference, Trump almost immediately began talking to reporters about Mordor and his desire for “better relations there.”
“I’m going to talk to them over there, in Mordor, because they have a lot of the same problems that we had here,” Trump said. “Look at the immigrant problem. They got all these little people sneaking in to Mordor – that’s a fun word, Mordor – you’ve got these little people sneaking in and running around free, going wherever they like. I think I can help them secure their border like I did to our border. I also think that Sauron has a good eye for things, but sometimes he gets distracted. Me? I’ve never been distracted. I’m 100% focused on everything that I do. Whether I’m building a wall or not banging pornstarts – because I’ve never had sex with any porn stars in my life – I’m like a laser. Pew, Pew, Pew. Laser. Laser. Lay. Ser. So anyway, there is absolutely no signs of collusion. All of those so called ‘proofs’ are fake news.”
White House staff supports Trump’s comments stating Trump has succeeded in negotiations with countries where past administrations have failed.
“Did Obama even acknowledge Mordor as a sovereign nation? No he did not,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “Obama never even mentioned ‘Mordor.’ That says a lot. Did Obama reach out to North Korea? No he did not. Did Obama reach out to Germany? No. But you know how did? Donald J. Trump. Now I know that Mordor is technically not part of the global community, but that’s because (Trump) hasn’t gotten his hands on them yet. I mean, those hobbits, they… oh god, I can’t do this shit anymore. Please, President Trump, just stop. Stop. I can literally feel my soul dying!”
Several congressional Democrats said Trump’s Mordor statements were “obviously ridiculous” they also expressed a sense of futility in responding to Trump’s comments.
“First, let’s remember that Trump is a dumb, dumb man. The dumbest, literally, that I’ve ever met,” said House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer. “But, so, um… Mordor, isn’t real. Yet here we are. Um, yeah. This is the life we’re living in. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a drink. A lot of drinks.”
Trump supports have voiced overwhelming approval for Trump’s Modor statements.
“First off, lemmie just say that I hate everything that isn’t white and male,” said Trump voter, John McDonald. “Now, if Trump says opening up nega-negle…um..negro… if (Trump) wants to go to the Modor people and talk to them then he should because (Trump) knows what he is doing. Look at what (Trump) did with Russia. Russia was one of our biggest enemies and now they are our best friends. Trump did that. So yeah, we should talk to that Modor place. Also, I am a racist asshole who is also stupid… in case that wasn’t clear from my support of Trump.”