WASHINGTON, D.C. – A new Executive Order has been signed by President Trump making it illegal for businesses to sell donuts with holes in the middle.
“We are getting ripped off with our donuts. We always have been. It’s Obama’s fault. And Crooked Hillary. And also the fake news media,” said Trump. “But now I’m making it illegal to rip me off. If you are a company that sells me a donut, and I am the best at eating donuts, let me tell you, I can eat donuts. Witch hunt! Donuts are good. You know what else is good? My approval rating. I have a higher approval rating than any president in history. My approval rating is 763! You believe that? It’s true. Donuts. I like donuts. You know what else I like… I like… um… hmmm… what’s a pancake made from?”
The Executive Order takes effect immediately and Trump said he will direct the Army to ensure donut makers across the country are obeying the new order.
“If donut people, the people who make donuts, you know them, if they keep trying to rip me off, you know what I’ll do? I’ll send the Army in there and they’ll force the donuts to not have holes!” said Trump. “When I eat a donut, and I eat a lot of donuts. The best donuts. I eat donuts like no one else. I’m the best at eating donuts. But I want my donuts with no holes! I don’t want someone coming around and taking part of my donuts away. People are saying that Robert Mueller is stealing parts of our donuts. I don’t know about that but that’s what people are saying. People are also saying that I’m the best they’ve ever seen at eating donuts. One time I got to sit in a fire truck!”
Donut makers across the country are scrambling to make changes to their donut process in order to comply with the new order.
“Donuts have always been made this way – with holes,” said Bethesda, MD, baker, Jerome Simpson. “Sure some donuts don’t have holes but those… I guess we’ll just sell ? The filled pastries. And the fritters. That’s a shame because the donuts with the holes feel really nice around my wiener. What? I didn’t say anything about wieners.”
Prior to Trump signing the order, the White House chef tried to convince the President donuts are not “missing” anything and that the donut hole is a result of how the donut is formed and not a result of dough being removed.
“First, know that (Trump) is a very dumb person. Dumb like a… dumb like no one I have ever met. So when I tell him that donuts don’t actually have ‘holes’ he just stares at me and asks where his big Mac is,” said White House Chef, Aaron James. “I even went through making a donut in front of him and he just stared at me like I was talking Chinese. I showed him that the part in the middle goes back in with the other dough, and he just stared blankly. I suppose if I was a Russian prostitute he would have paid attention better, but I don’t know.”
Republican members of Congress support the President’s new donut order.
“For far too long, the Democrats have been supporting the removal of donut middles, and we, as Americans, should not have to put up with it anymore,” said congresswoman, Martha McSally (R-AZ). “(Trump) is just doing right by the people. If I tried to sell you a TV, but it had a giant hole in the middle, you’d think I was crazy. It’s literally the same thing here. We’re being ripped off, and now (Trump) is doing something about it. He’s like Jesus. A big, amazing Jesus who in no way is an embarrassment to this great country.”
According to White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump is considering more executive orders aimed at food.
“Sushi is next on the Presidents hit list,” said Sanders. “(Trump) insists that cutting the sushi into individual bites is robbing Americans of food. Where does the part go that gets cut? We don’t know, but we’re sure as hell going to find out and put a stop to it. The President doesn’t actually eat sushi, but Melania does, and after all the stuff about his affairs coming out, (Trump) is trying to do anything so that he doesn’t have to pay her off too.”
Democratic Party leaders were contacted about this story but refused to be interviewed, responding via email stating “Trump is fucking stupid. We all know it and there is nothing left to say on the subject.”