WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump has spent the last several weeks planning a trick-or-treat route to ensure he gets “only the best” candy on Halloween.
“Trump has made it clear that his number one priority right now is putting together a trick-or-treat route that will ensure he gets good candy, like full candy bars or really expensive candy,” said White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “That is, very literally, the only thing he has been thinking about for months. Pretty much since July. That’s one of the reasons that he hasn’t really accomplished much in the last few months, not because he’s severely incompetent.”
According to White House sources, Trump has locked himself in his bedroom for hours a day with a map of the world and a box of crayons. During these times Trump will only communicate with White House staff asking if a particular country has a lot of rich people and high quality candy.
“When Trump is working on his map, the only time we will hear from him is when he needs to know where wealthy people live in a given area and for us to describe for him what the candy is like in a given area,” said Chief of Staff, John Kelly. “Occasionally, he has sent a cabinet member to these areas to take pictures and bring back samples of candy. When he doesn’t like a piece of candy he creates tariffs on the country. Remember that Trump is a very, very dumb person. This is what’s it’s like here – imagine working for a dumb, obese, spoiled child that only cares about getting his fat, little fingers on chocolate. Imagine that stupid fucking fat, little asshole kid telling you what to do all day long. That’s life here. But don’t tell anyone I told you that.”
Trump’s route starts off in Washington, D.C. and has stops in England, Germany, Belgium, Italy and several stops in Russia.
“I will be getting the best candy, the very best candy only, because I am very good at Halloweening,” said Trump during a recent rally. “I was the first person to Halloween, you know that? It’s true. No one can trick-and-treab..a..ly like me. I’m very good. I will make sure that I only get the very best candy. What’s the point of Halloween-n-trapping if you don’t get good candy? Right? I might share my map with you. I might. You’d like that? You bet you would. But the democrats can’t have it. They want it but they can’t have it. Crooked Hillary! Fake News! Russia… fake! Hillary!”
During a recent press conference, Huckabee Sanders said that the trip will not be about candy but also diplomacy.
“The President has planned a tour that will take him to visit several governments to discuss things like trade and… um… let’s say Syria,” said Huckabee Sanders. “While on this tour he may also look to get some candy but it’s important to remember that Trump is the best president ever and if anyone disagrees with that they should be put in jail.”
The Halloween costume Trump plans to wear while making his trick-or-treat trip has not been released but sources close to Trump expect the costume to be something Trump finds scary, “like a brown person or maybe an intelligent woman.”
“Knowing (Trump), he will probably just put shoe polish on his face and say he is a member of MS-13,” said Kelly. “Remember, not only is Trump a dumb, dumb person, he is also racist as fuck.”
The total cost of Trump’s trick-or-treat route is expected to exceed three billion dollars.