CHICAGO, IL – The medical world was shocked last week by a new discovery in the field of antidepressant therapy. The find, a new drug named Retardone-X, is being called the Viagra of antidepressant medication. The drug, which is more powerful than PROZAC comes in smaller doses and has very few side effects.
“We are very pleased with the results of this new drug,” said James Nash, head research scientist for Globonex Pharmaceuticals. “When we were first trying to figure out the riddle that is depression, we looked at what makes people happy. When we figured out that we couldn’t grind up puppies and kittens and babies, and put them in pill form, we took a look at people who are generally happy. After years of research we discovered one group of people who are happy about 98% of the time: The mentally handicapped.”
The drug is a synthetic version of the chemical that mentally handicapped people produce in their brains making them happy for no apparent reason. The chemical, dubbed mongoloidium, is produced by the medulla oblongata and is found in all humans, but in people with normal brain functions the levels are very low. When the drug is taken, the production of mongoloidum is stimulated and the endorphins it contains are released, making the patient happy.
“We were actually surprised that it worked,” Nash said. “We all hoped it would, but when it came down to it, we were all fairly skeptical. I mean those retards are always screwing things up. Look at Corky from Life Goes On. He was always getting into trouble. Then his sister, the cute little thing, would have to come in and save the day. But then she would get upset and curse Corky for ever being born. Although in the end she always came back around and remembered just how special Corky was. Brings a tear to my eye every time. But back to what I was saying, when it worked, we knew that we had something special.”
While the drug has proven to be relatively safe, it does have some mild side effects. The main side effect that occurred in 8% of the test population was random, non-rhythmic open hand clapping. Other side effects include an overwhelming need to give people hugs, drooling and a gradual sloping of the forehead.
Side effects aside, the scientists are pleased and believe their drug will be the end of depression as we know it.
“Seriously, how many times have you ever seen a mongoloid with a frown on their faces or a wrinkle of doubt on their gigantic foreheads?” Nash said. “The answer is never. Well, maybe if you just hauled off and punched one in the testes. Or maybe if Blue from Blues Clues didn’t listen to their unintelligible screams about the next clue, I don’t know. But still, they’d be crying with a grin on their silly little faces. Gosh their cute when they’re like that.”
The FDA is currently testing the drug and Globonex hopes to have the pills in pharmacies nationwide as early as December.