WASHINGTON, D.C. – In response to a number of negative books about him and his time as President, Donald Trump will publish his own book that he says he has written himself “on the very best paper and using the best coloring stick pencil things.”
“There have been a lot of very bad books written about me by a lot of very sad, very jealous people,” said Trump during a recent rally in North Dakota. “Can you believe that? They says things that aren’t true because they know I’m the best. They know. One thing that people don’t realize and don’t know about me is I discovered North Dakota. That’s true. I am very good at discovering things. Some say that I’m the best at discovering things. I discover money everywhere where I go! You like money, right? Who doesn’t like money? Anyway, I’m going to make my own book and it will be a very good book. The best book ever made. You’ll love it. It will be all about me and money and all the wonderful things I’m doing for Putin… I mean for America.”
Trump says the book will contain “only about me and with the best stuff with lots of pictures.”
“No one likes words,” said Trump. “Most people don’t even know all of the words so my book, the one I’m doing… it’s a very good book. Words. That’s a funny word. Words. Words. I should come up with another name for words. I am very good at naming things. Did you know I named Europe? A lot of people think that Europe was named that for a long time but it wasn’t. I named Europe Europe. My book will be very good and very popular. Everyone will want to read it. It will have lots of picture. Almost all pictures. Some words but mostly pictures.”
According to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Trump’s book will focus on the “many accomplishments of the President including winning the election and all the other stuff. The good stuff he’s done for the country like… winning the election.”
“The President is writing this book himself so…” said Sanders. “The book won’t be full of lies like all of the other, several dozen books that have come out recently about the President and the White House. Yes, all of those other books are consistent with their portrayal of a childish, impulsive idiotic President and his self-serving, cruel, pathetic staff members but the President’s book will be the first written by the President. No one knows the President better than himself. Except for maybe Putin and a handful of call-girls.”
The book, tentatively titled “Me Prezidint now!!!” will be 41 pages, contain very few words, and will be published by the United States Mint.
“The only ‘publisher’ we could find to make this book was the U.S. Mint because… well, there isn’t a single self-respecting publisher in the world that would publish this book,” said Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo. “Look at this. It’s written in crayon. Most of it is written on McDonalds Big Mac wrappers. I’m not sure what any of these pictures are of. It’s just a fucking mess. We all know that the President is a dumb, dumb person but wow. This book… wow. Look. Right here he just drew a couple circles and I think he meant to write the word ‘boobs’ but he spelled it B-U-B-S. Christ he’s fucking dumb.”
Once the book has been published, a copy will be sent to every home in America that is occupied by at least one white male.
“We wanted everyone to have a chance to read the truth and the only way we can guarantee that everyone reads this book is if we send it to their homes,” said Pompeo. “And by ‘everyone’ I mean white men. We’ve made it pretty clear over the last couple years that we only care about white men. Only white men.”