WASHINGTON, DC – The United States Government has announced a Black Friday sale where parts of the government will be available for purchase at sharply reduced prices.
“In the first of its kind, the U.S. Government will be having a huge sale the day after Thanksgiving,” said United States Department of the Interior Secretary, Ryan Zinke. “Everything will be for sale. And most items will be sold at a huge discount. We are excited about this sale and it will probably be really popular. I imagine we’ll sell just about everything.”
The sale will begin on Friday, November 22 and wealthy individuals or foreign governments will be able to buy government properties such as federal parks, monuments, courts, entire departments and the postal service.
“Bits and pieces of the government have always been for sale but this is the first time we are having a full-on sale of pretty much everything,” said United States Department of Commerce Secretary, Wilbur Ross. “We are hoping the discounts will really bring out those customers that have always wanted to buy the government but never felt like they could afford it – like Spain.”
Some of the discounted sale items include The Grand Canyon for sale at $3 million, Lincoln Memorial for $120,000, United States District Court for the District of Kansas for $1,000, and the US Department of Education for $489,000.
“I know for a fact that the Grand Canyon will be one of the first things to go,” said Zinke. “I’ve already had a number of people reach out to me to see if they could put dibs on it. But I said ‘no.’ Fair is fair. If someone wants the Grand Canyon they better hustle and be the first one in the door to get it.”
Hoping to further entice buyers, the government is also planning a number of “door buster” deals.
“We are planning on doing some door buster deals like the first 100 customers get to pick a free animal from the National Zoo or maybe a piece of art from the National Museum – fun little stuff like that,” said sale planning committee member, Jeff Crestor. “We will be announcing those soon so keep an eye out. Oh… eyes. Maybe we could do a door buster of dead, former president’s eye balls! We have those stashed in the basement of the Smithsonian. And yes, the Smithsonian is for sale.”
Representatives for Billionaires, Chinese government officials, Russian agents, and members of the Saudi Royal Family have already begun lining up outside the capital building in hopes to be the first ones inside and to get the best deals.
“We have a list of items for purchase,” said Chinese representative, Zhao Yang. “We would very much like to own the Department of Commerce. And it would please us to own Yellowstone and very much Philippine islands.”
While the Black Friday sale will have a number of new, previously not-for-sale items, members of Congress and the President will not be included in the sale as most are already sold.